Surprising reaction

Years ago my father-in-law had to have open heart surgery. They ended up doing five bypasses. The day of his surgery he requested that everyone go to work as usual. He felt that if too many people were at the hospital then we would be thinking that he wouldn't survive. He decided that everyone just did their normal routine then everything would be okay. So I went to work.

I remember waiting for my husband to call me with an update. I knew what time the surgery started and about how long it would take. As the clock ticked past the expected time for an update I began to brace myself for "bad news".

Finally the call came. My boss had me take it in his office, "just in case" I needed the privacy. With joy and tears my husband said his dad was doing fine and filled me in on why it had taken so long. I hung up the phone and my body began to shake and then I started crying uncontrollably. I guess in my efforts to prepare for the worst possible news I hadn't anticipated how I would handle good news. My reaction to this good news surprised me.

I was reminded of that today. Lately I have been working with clients that just touch my heart deeply. I feel their pain and their sadness as they try to decide what they are going to do. When their decisions are not what I had hoped for them I am deeply grieved. Today I was in the sono room with a client who has decided that ending her pregnancy is not an option for her. This was her third sono as she has worked through all the issues in her life. One real fear for her is that she will lose her job. She is raising two little girls and needs the income so this was a very hard thing for her to have to face. Yet, she has decided that this little one in her womb deserves the opportunity to continue living. So, despite the risks to her finances she is going to continue the pregnancy. I stand in awe and amazement.

I went to my office and cried. I had not expected she would make this choice and had prepared myself for a different outcome. Yet, my reaction is one of tears. Not tears of grief but tears of relief. I had not expected this reaction and am once again surprised at how I respond.

I wonder, what is it that surprises me here? I know and understand that I am a control freak. So is my reaction caused by the fact that I really don't have any control? Or is it something else. Perhaps, I need to learn to not prepare myself for "bad news" only. Perhaps I should prepare myself for God to do the unexpected, He is known for that. And maybe, just maybe, God is trying to teach me to trust Him more.