Deep Thoughts From A Shallow Well...

Sexy Walk

2012-01-29T18:39:00.000-06:00

Well I found a great place to walk here in Florida. It is in Lakeland. A three mile trail around Lake Hollingsworth. Perfect!

So I pack up my walking clothes in the morning so I can go right after I get out of work before it gets dark. Then when I'm getting ready to leave work I realize I forgot socks. So I decide to just go anyway and do a leisurely walk.

Now, I knew I was wearing "new" shoes and that I was still in my work clothes. But really the shoes were so comfortable I didn't expect to have a problem. I also reasoned with myself that if I felt any pain I could just turn around and head back to the car.

I think you know where this is going. Just a little past the halfway point I felt it. A blister starting on the back of my right heel. Too late to "turn around" I had to keep walking forward. About a 1/4 mile from the parking lot the pain was intense. I tried my best to walk on the ball of my right foot. Almost tippy toed. But not wanting others to see me limping like a lunatic I carefully balance my walk with my other foot. Walking a little slower with each step.

FINALLY! The parking lot! Now just need to make it to my car. The lot was full and cars were coming in waiting for someone to leave so they could park. A truck was following me slowly to match my pace. Eventually he pulled up, put his window down, and inquired as to if I would be getting in one of the cars ahead so he could have my spot. I said I was and that my car was almost at the end.

He continued to follow and then pulled up once again, just as I was nearing my car and said "I just wanted to tell you that you have a very sexy walk."

I laughed out LOUD! Sexy? In the pain I was working through I didn't think my walk looked like anything but ridiculous. HA HA HA!

I looked at him and said "Thank you! I needed that. But really, I was going to let you have the spot even without a compliment."

Made my day, maybe my year.

Observations from Florida

2011-11-27T18:56:00.001-06:00

11/27/11

Cockroaches are as BIG as they say. Even if they "call" them something else. They aren't fooling me.
Bad drivers (people driving cars, not golf clubs) should always be given the right of way and kept at a safe distance.
Southern hospitality still exists.
There are people who have NEVER seen snow. NEVER! I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't met them myself.
I come from the generation who says "google it" when needing to find something on the internet. I met an elderly gentleman who says "I asked my computer to find...". Seriously made me laugh as I thought of a scene from a Star Trek movie.
You hear the funniest conversations in stores. An elderly couple at SAM'S club was looking at the many choices of underwear available for her and the husband says "This kind looks like it won't give you a wedgie and has good rear coverage."
Apparently breakfast buffets are so popular here that they have them at the Chinese Buffet places. Who knew? A little odd but food was good.

If I have additional observations that aren't necessarily obvious, like the winter here is awesome!, I will add to this post.

11/28/11

Here's a weather alert I never saw while living in Kansas: "HIGH SURF ADVISORY". To which I say, "YAHOO! Ride 'em surfer dude."

Duh

2011-08-21T19:29:00.000-05:00

A storm came through last Thursday evening. 70 MPH winds. I was awake when it hit and I heard this loud CRACK noise and then the lights flickered. No rain, no lightning, just wind. The rain and lightning came later. The lights kept going on and off and I started to worry that a branch fell on the wires coming to the house. Then I heard another CRACK and more flickering. This time I woke up Gary because it really scared me.

He looked out the windows and didn't see anything obvious. The lights had gone out but they eventually came back on. In the morning we saw the damage and learned the loud CRACKS were large branches breaking off trees. A neighbor's tree had half of it break off and fall into our yard. The houses across the street had no power. Luckily we did.

Friday night = round two! Another storm came through. This one was louder due to the numerous lightning hits and thunder. The kind of thunder that rattles the entire house. Then about 2:30 AM the lights went out. The stayed out for 24 hours. It is funny how much I depend on electricity for things. With daybreak it was easy to get light in the house, you just have to open the shades. But with evening we had to rely on candles and an oil lamp. No air conditioning and no cable and no internet. The latter was the hardest for me.

So I convinced Gary to go with me to Panera to get a drink and use their free wifi. We bought our drinks and sat down to learn that their internet was not working either. BUMMER. So we went shopping. We returned home about 5PM hoping the lights would be back on. But no. So we decided to go get some dry ice and see if we could save all our fridge and freezer things.

Then we went to a coffee house in the evening that has live music. I took my laptop just in case. YAY! They had free wifi and it was working! So I got my critical emails done and then enjoyed the music.

What was interesting was all the times we thought of things to do at home and then went "Duh, no power." Example was Gary knew we were going out shopping and that maybe we wouldn't be back in time for the football game. So he said "let me set up the DVR to tape the game". I laughed and said "Duh..."

Then later as the day heated up we knew it would be uncomfortable trying to sleep with no air conditioning. So I came up with the brilliant idea to use a fan to keep us cool. "Duh..."

It is hard to remember all the times that happened during the no power event. Sadly it happened more often than I would like to admit.

Another walk

2011-08-13T20:57:00.000-05:00

GREAT walk today! Went out this morning about 9:30AM. Walked from my house (about 72nd and Metcalf) to 83rd and Mission (my favorite Panera is there). It took 1 hour and is about 3.5 miles. I really hadn't intended to go that far but it was just so nice out and I was having fun looking at the different houses.

As I got closer to Panera I had to stop at an intersection and wait for the light to change. This younger woman met up with me there as she was running and in much better shape than me. She had nice shorts on and a jogging bra/top. I was working hard not to be jealous when she started a conversation. She talked about how nice out it was and how she was so happy to be out running. She commented on my outfit (capri length exercise pants and a tank top that did not show my stomach). She said it was so color coordinated. I believe she was sincere.

As we waited she said she hasn't been running as much because the heat made it too hard since she is pregnant. WHAT!? I thought. I couldn't help but look at her tummy. REALLY!? "How far along are you?" I asked. She smiled and put her hand on her almost flat tummy and said "Twenty weeks."

REALLY!? Is she sure? Was she pulling my leg? I bet if you asked everyone in their cars at the red light who they thought looked more pregnant, every one of them would pick me. Despite my age. Man that really stung.

Fortunately the light turned and we went on our way. Since she was running and I walk she was gone quickly. Whew!

A quick break at the Panera for a drink of water and I begin the walk back home. It was then that I realized that while walking out an hour was fun it required me to have to walk another hour to get back home. I took Mission to 71st and headed toward home. By now each step was work. When I neared Roe I hoped Gary would call and I could say "YES COME AND GET ME!" But no luck. As I neared Nall I had the same hope. But no. As I neared Lamar? No call. Gary wasn't home yet. Then I saw Metcalf and figured if he called now I might let him pick me up even though I was nearing home. But no call. Then I made it to Sante Fe. Next road is Conser and that means only one block to home from there.

I noticed some men on the golf course. Healthy athletic types. It was then I realized that no matter how athletic a guy looks there just is no way to make pink shorts look masculine. What was he thinking? I hope his friends gave him some serious ribbing for those shorts.

CONSER! YAY! Almost home. I can see my house and right at that moment I saw Gary pull in the driveway. If he calls me now I don't think I'll even answer the phone.

2.25 hours. 7 miles. Good weather. GREAT walk!

New blog site

2011-07-21T15:40:00.000-05:00

http://morningdewbjg.blogspot.com/

I have started a new blog to post my devotional thoughts to. This blog will most likely be used for those thoughts and events that pertain to happenings or events rather than spiritual growth and development. At least that is my current plan. However, I reserve the right to change my mind.

Bookends - From sunset to fireworks

2011-07-07T19:17:00.000-05:00

When I first scheduled a return flight on July 4th I was excited. Leaving at dusk heading west I figured I'd have the best fireworks view I've ever had.

This would indeed prove to be a memorable flight...but not for the reasons I expected. It started with an hour delay in a dirty crowded and very loud airport. Hungry I searched for something to eat and settled for an overpriced "sandwich?" that I have no idea what the ingredients were. After this somewhat suspect purchase I looked for a place to sit and eat - and wait. To my surprise I saw a few empty seats near a gentleman, I thought it strange that people would choose to sit on a hard floor when there were perfectly good seats open. As I got closer it became very clear why no one was sitting in these seats. The "gentleman", a young man from another culture, evidently was clueless - or did not care - that his body odor was so pungent that no one could sit near him. Including me.

Once I found a place to sit I called my husband to update him on my status only to discover my temperamental phone was going to keep shutting itself down. Eventually after numerous gate changes the boarding began. To call it chaotic would be an understatement. FINALLY in my cherished window seat I smell something that caused me to fight back my gag reflex and made my eyes water. Yes, the "gentleman" in the airport was in the seat right behind. With a full plane there was no hope of finding another seat. I opened the air vent as wide as it would go and blew it back hoping it would reduce the thickness of the scent finding its way toward me.

The sun had started to go down and as we waited to take off I decided to work on my crossword puzzle. I reached up to turn on my reading light only to discover it didn't work. The one for the middle seat did not work either. I noticed others having the same problem. After mentioning the problem to the flight attendant she pushed the button herself just to confirm it was not user error. She said "that's funny they worked on the way here". Somehow I didn't find that comment comforting and wondered what else might not be working.

Finally air born I looked out the window. The sky was orange due to the setting sun and the wispy clouds. The orange glow enhanced the beauty of the New York City silhouette it was the backdrop for. WOW - it was spectacular. However, it was during that moment that I realized if I leaned in to close to the window the odor from behind became much stronger. I've flown a lot and have never had to use an airsick bag. I began to wonder if that record would be broken on this trip. I thought, "at least I'll see some fireworks" only to discover that we were about to go through a cloud bank.

The plane had TV screens on the back of each seat. For $6 you can rent a movie and for $8 you can use headphones. REALLY? I don't think so. Plus if there is any turbulence watching that screen will give me motion sickness. Why would I pay for that? However I found that they don't go off even if you aren't using them. The screen stays on and with the low light the constant flicker concerned me. Having just gotten rid of a 3 day headache I had no interest in letting this screen cause me to get a migraine. After looking all over I found no off switch. The brightness control worked just as good as the switch to turn on my reading light. So I asked the flight attendant how to turn it off. She explained they don't go off but suggested I turn down the brightness. At this point I'm starting to wonder if the guy in the seat next to me is wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm with stupid" since she seems to find it necessary to ask me to try the obvious. I explained it doesn't work so she reached over two seats and tried it herself. Then she said, "sometimes they don't work". I spent the next two hours holding a magazine over the screen. When my arm would go numb, I'd switch to the other arm. I decided sore arms and shoulders would be better than a migraine.

Just when I'd given up all hope of surviving this flight the clouds cleared. FIREWORKS! Fireworks? I hadn't really factored in the thought that at 38,000 feet in the air they just aren't quite that impressive. Have you ever had that test in the eye doctor's office where you sit in front of something and wait for these little quick flashes of light and then push a button? Well looking out the plane window at the "fireworks" below reminded me of that. Occasionally when we passed populated areas there would be perhaps hundreds of flashes. The pilot announced the various cities as we flew over: Fort Wayne Indiana, Chicago Illinois, St. Louis Missouri. Bigger displays had a longer flash but the ability to see a distinct firework shape was rare. Yet I began to admire the view. I was reminded of twinkling lights on a Christmas tree. Ninety minutes into the flight as I watched out the window there was this very large flash. I waited for it to happen again. When it did I saw that it was not coming from the ground but rather from storm clouds miles away. Each flash lit up the entire cloud making it visible in the night sky. Then a streak of lightening raced across the entire cloud bank. WOW! God's fireworks dwarfed man's fireworks even more. I was mesmerized by the view. My favorite Christian tunes played in my ears (thankfully I had my mp3 player with me) which briefly allowed me to forget how trapped I was feeling.

Then my eyes began to water and I realized I had stayed to long so close to the window and the odor from behind me began to overtake me. I leaned back in my chair content to listen to my tunes and look out the window from a distance.

It was now almost 9:45 PM the fireworks twinkling below were fewer and fewer. The plane began its descent. As we got lower I was able to see hundreds of fireworks displays. The lower we got the more I could see. Now the entire explosion was recognizable and the colors vivid. WOW! Very cool. It was impressive and worth waiting to see. In the distance I could still see the storms clouds putting on their own display as well. And above those clouds were more stars than anyone is able to count.

Yes this turned out to be memorable flight.

Written 7/4/2011 on flight from New York City to Kansas City.

Between The Clouds

2011-07-06T20:39:00.000-05:00

There is this place between the clouds where heaven and earth seem to meet. I look out the plane window and see below me; rivers, lakes, green mountains that seem to go on endlessly and the view is enhanced by the sweet little popcorn-puff clouds scattered here and there. Above me is endless blue sky with wafer thin clouds that streak across like long white ribbons. And right where I am - flying at jet speed - it is perfectly clear. I'm between two worlds. The one below me, while beautiful, will not last forever. The one above me has no limits. It goes on to eternity.

So high above the earth it is easy to forget about all the needs and opportunities that are there. I see roads and buildings; evidence of civilization. Yet up here - between the clouds - I'm sheltered from its noise and its demands.

The plane begins to descend. The two and a half hour flight has been too short. I've just begun to shake off life's stresses. I just started imagining having the ability to go even higher. To go up where the sky is no longer blue and the stars would be all I could see. Far above the wispy ribbon clouds.

I will miss this place between the clouds where nothing is expected of me. Where I can just be. Where it is peaceful.

But once beneath the clouds I will join the human race again. With all its challenges and all its joys. I will look toward the heavens and be reminded that while my time on earth is short, my real home is with the Lord.

Written 6/30/2011 on flight from Kansas City to New York.

I saw God today

2011-05-19T20:08:00.000-05:00

I saw God today through the miracle of technology allowing me to be in Florida and watch my son do a webcast concert LIVE from Manhattan - NYC. The miracle for me was watching my mother-in-law watch it too. Ailing health, failing eyesight and hearing, in pain most of the time; there is little that brings her true joy anymore.

But the look of joy on her face as she watched her grandson play his saxophone was a moment I would have hated to miss. Some wouldn't consider this technical link a miracle but I do.

We also used our webcam capabilities for her to talk and visit with her granddaughter who lives in Singapore. I was again amazed that for a woman whose eyes have slowly been letting her down she was able to recognize her granddaughter and saw and commented on her beautiful smile. Grandma still can't believe she was able to talk with someone she loves so much who is living on the other side of the planet.

Then we also got to use the computer to connect with and let Grandma see her great-grandson who lives in Jersey City. Now 2 years old he was exceptionally sweet. Grandma had her face so close to the computer to see as much detail in his face as she can that I'm sure all he could see in return was the top of her head.

Yes, for this aging sweet lady these events were miracles she never imagined she would see in her lifetime. Yet it was made possible through current technology. I cried tears of joy with her each time she saw a family member she thought she'd never see again.

Yes I saw God today in how He used technology to fill the deepest longings of an aging woman who experienced moments of love via the internet. Thank you Lord!

A Poemless Easter

2011-04-24T17:47:00.000-05:00

I started writing Easter poems years ago. One every year since...oh I don't know...the late 80's or early 90's. I thought about writing one again this year but no inspiration came.

Occasionally the flicker of an idea would come but when all done the paper I was writing it out on got crumbled up and tossed in the garbage. Maybe, there is nothing more to say about the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Maybe after 2000 years and thousands of generations its all been said, in a hundred different ways.

No Easter plans this year. Did the usual. Went to church and really enjoyed the music and the message. Drove home and as I did I went past a different church. I saw all the cars in the parking lot and thought about the pastor who was preaching there. Someone I know. I paused to pray that his message would reflect his heart. Then I thought about all the pastors I am blessed to know and have known over the years.

My job gives me the unique opportunity to get to know clergy from different Christian denominations. Not just to know they are there but to really know them. The person. Yes, I am blessed.

I continued my drive home thinking about taking some time to write a poem. An idea began to form. But I was so surprised the weather reports were wrong and happy to see blue sky that I chose instead to take a walk. I took a good book and had a great "walk and read". If you've read my blog for any time now you might remember I like to do that.

When I got home my husband was also home so we got a bite to eat, did some chasing, and then came home to continue the never ending task of cleaning items still in the garage that were contaminated by the "vermiculite tragedy" as it is now being called. I believe we are down to one more tub of clothes that have to be done and then the house is clean. So we will move on to work on the garage and the basement. UGH!

So back to the poem. I have decided I can't tell the Easter events any better than scripture; so this year I will quote from the Bible what I heard this morning at church.

1 Corinthians 15:3-6
"I passed on to you what was most important and what had also been passed on to me. Christ died for our sins, just as the Scriptures said. He was buried, and he was raised from the dead on the third day, just as the Scriptures said. He was seen by Peter and then by the Twelve. After that, he was seen by more than 500 of his followers at one time, most of whom are still alive, though some have died."

Real? Myth? A nice story?

Many lived in Jesus times. Many were crucified on a Roman cross. Only One died for our sins. Only One rose from the dead.

do ALL things

2011-03-01T15:23:00.000-06:00

Today I did a Bible search on “do all things”. Recent events have had me “doing all things” which as I recount them I wonder how I did any of them. Well, I haven’t done “all” yet. I still have to file my taxes.

Anyway, five Bible verses returned from my search. Job 42:2, 1 Corinthians 9:23, 2 Corinthians 12:19, Philippians 2:14 and Philippians 4:13. It is the Philippians verses that held my attention this morning.

Let me provide you with a little background on me. Some “dirt” so to speak. You see…I am not now, nor have I ever been, the “June Cleaver” type. If you don’t know who June is let me just say that housekeeping and home cooking are not my forte. That doesn’t mean I don’t do them. I just don’t like doing them. I do them grudgingly. I think it started around the age of 13 when I was old enough to be assigned “chores of importance” at home. Chores like cleaning the bathroom and ironing. ICK!

I also am not the nurturing type. I love intensely but caretaking is just not my natural bent. Because of this I felt I had a valid reason for not doing these things with my whole heart or in a way that seemed loving and caring. It was more…“just get it done”. At least for the last 40 years or so. Then God did an amazing thing. He allowed strife into my life that I never could have imagined or thought could happen. One thing is an issue with my home, the other is an issue with my husband’s health. One requires extreme cleaning; the other requires gentle caretaking. Hmmmm…

Not once with either did I say to myself “I’m not cut out for this” even though I know it to be true. I have felt overwhelmed and even felt like running away. At least in regards to the house. But all that changed the day I took my husband to the ER. Running away was no longer an option nor a desire. Staying and fighting, which is my natural tendency, was also not my desire. No, I found myself in this place where just doing the next thing was enough.

My home is about 1,000 square feet of living area. Small by today’s standards in the U.S. but if you think about having to clean every square inch, two to three times (or more) it feels like 100,000 square feet. (I wonder what 1,000 square feet cubed is?) Each surface had to be vacuumed, wiped with a cleaning cloth, then dried. Repeat again and again and again if necessary. Then every item removed from the home had to be examined and cleaned in the same fashion. Some things just have to be thrown out. During the examination phase I look at every item I own and decide “what is this worth?” Is its value to me worth the time it will take to clean it? Some things the answer is yes but most the answer is no. It is just stuff. When this first started I told my husband “I guess we’ll find out how important our stuff really is to us”. After being unable to be in our home for three months I found out that most of it isn’t that important. However, my personal space was and still is of great value to me. That is what I missed the most. Even though we had awesome friends who let us stay with them during this time. They truly went above and beyond to make us comfortable. I will be forever grateful but I still missed “my space”.

I would go “visit” my home and work on the unending task of cleaning. At first it was done with a begrudging attitude. Then a couple weeks into it something changed. I was there alone cleaning one afternoon. It was quiet. I had no distractions. I stopped focusing on why did this happen since I couldn’t change that and started wondering what is God trying to teach me through this. I saw so many applications in this for others but really, what was God trying to teach me? Endurance? Faith? What? WHAT????

After a few hours of this mental exercise I decided to just still my thoughts and wait on the Lord. Then something happened that is hard to explain unless it is something you experience for yourself. I realized that each sweep of a rag, each stroke of a mop, each time I bent down to pick another speck of debris that escaped the vacuum, rags and mop…each and every movement I made was not housecleaning. It was not work. It was an act of love. Suddenly the job did not seem to be so overwhelming. In fact, the idea that it would never end did not even bother me. Because it is an act of love. Today and always. Love for my house that would once again be my home, love for my husband and desiring he would again be comfortable in our home, and love for our marriage as I found I regretted all the decades of cleaning where this simple thought had eluded me. I watched my hand and arm move across another surface as it cleaned and saw an act of love. This repeated with every motion I made.

Then the trip to the ER. “Blood clots”. “Potentially life threatening.” “Lucky you came in.”

What? Can this really be happening? Now, when we are so close to getting back into our home? For a brief moment I went numb. Then my eyes met with my husband’s eyes and nothing else mattered. After 33 years of marriage, the fact that we were together was really the only thing that seemed to have any significance. Nothing I was hearing from the nurse or the ER doctor, the enormous task of getting back home, the pharmacist explaining the meds, the deadlines at work, the bills waiting to be paid, the contractors I had to follow up with – no; none of that held any importance at all compared to just being there with the love of my life. If God gave us one more minute or 33+ more years I knew each moment was a gift. All that was important was caring for my husband. Whatever that meant.

I have learned through this that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). I have learned that “all things” includes those things I say are not my strengths. And that sometimes I say that because it was a convenient way to get out of doing them, an excuse. I have learned that nothing is impossible and while I may try and justify not doing something because it isn’t how God “gifted” me, that it is really self justification to get my own way. This is a hard truth to learn. It is a hard truth to share. I am; at the core; selfish. As a good friend puts it, “I am the queen of all I survey”.

I am learning to do all things…ALL things…without grumbling or disputing (Philippians 2:14).

I now believe that everything I do, every word I speak, every thought I hold on to is an act of love. Something to cherish, something to enjoy. And in that process I am blessed.

Test of Faith?

2011-02-24T11:44:00.000-06:00

James 1:3
"For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."

When is your faith tested? When is mine? I often wonder this. When facing hardships and trials I typically turn to God for strength and support. When faced with joy and blessings I again turn to God with thankfulness, awe, and wonder.

Since becoming a Christian I've never questioned or lost faith. Yet trials come, it isn't always a smooth or easy ride. But the Bible says our faith will be tested. So maybe I don't understand what that means.

Recently and currently I am facing things that could be considered "trials". My patience has been tested. My ability to not bite off the heads of those I'm forced to do business with has absolutely been tested. My endurance is being tested. But a new trial has been added to my burdens and I briefly wondered if my faith was being tested.

After prayer and contemplation my answer is "no".

My faith remains as strong as it has always been. But I feel "tested".

Last night as I hugged my husband and the release of the day's stress surfaced I cried and knew...my faith is strong. Then I wondered how strong my trust and love for God was? Is it all it should be? Is it all it can be?

Psalm 66:10
"You have tested us, O God; you have purified us like silver."

Through the testing one is purified. Purification is a process that requires intense heat and must be watched very closely by the Purifier. It is during the trial and the testing that God holds us closest to His heart. He watches and knows that as we are refined and purified we grow closer to Him. He knows the process hurts and pain is involved. He desires only the best for us and wants the best in us.

Father God,
Hold me close as I endure this time of testing and trials. Be my strength when I am weak. Be the treasure that I seek. You are my all in all. AMEN

Putting God First - Separation Anxiety

2011-02-01T14:35:00.000-06:00

When I was a new parent I remember how intense certain feelings were. Those early days and years with a new son or daughter are so precious and go by too fast. Looking back I remember most the times when it was just me, my baby, and a rocking chair. I would love to have the ability to time travel and go back into one of those moments. What a great mini vacation that would be!

I also remember the first time I had to leave my toddler with a new sitter. I can still see my child’s eyes filling with tears and terror as I walked out the door – my heart breaking because I too was experiencing those same feelings. That heavy feeling would stay with me all day as I wondered how my child was doing. Were tears still flowing or was it just me? I couldn’t concentrate and all I could think about was that moment when I would return home and get to hold my child in my arms once again.

Did you ever think that God gives us those moments as parents to perhaps teach us about what He experiences with us? After all He is our Heavenly Father. We are His children. Does He experience “separation anxiety”? And what would that look like?

Sometimes we let the world babysit us, don’t we. Things like TV or facebook or whatever fills your time becomes your babysitter. It watches you as much as you watch it. And while you are busy in those things God is still there, waiting. Waiting for you to decide to spend time with Him. He misses you. His heart aches for those precious moments He remembers where you turned to Him and it was just the two of you.

Father God, forgive me for all the time I waste on things that pull me away from you. Hours spent playing video games without even taking five minutes in the day to open my Bible to study. I am humbled by the realization that You miss me. Hmmm. Abba Father, draw me to You. Guide my thoughts as I plan my day so I include You in it. Thank You for loving me, waiting for me, for teaching me, and for dying for me. AMEN

Matthew 6:26
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Double Deckers!

2011-01-19T19:05:00.000-06:00

This post is for Linus. We have been seeing and experiencing many "double deckers" while in Singapore and Hong Kong. Here are a few of them:

Electric tram car in Hong Kong

Ferry we took across the bay

Lots of double decker buses

Double decker tower in Singapore

Double decker 380 air bus we rode from Singapore to Hong Kong.

See the windows above Singapore Airlines? That is where we sat!

Putting God First - Do unto others

2010-12-28T10:52:00.001-06:00

(This devotion was written to a specific audience. The staff at a crisis pregnancy center. Yet, it holds truths that apply to many occupations and life situations.)

Recently I’ve been reminded about how important it is to understand others. When I was in retail I had a boss who insisted “the customer is ALWAYS right even when they are wrong”. If he ever caught us treating a customer poorly…well let me just say that you didn’t do it twice. And if you did, you quickly found yourself looking for a new place to work.

For me understanding another person is not just having empathy for them or placating them. No, it is about trying to learn what struggles they face and what their perception of their situation is. For example:

My husband and I have found ourselves living in hotel due to a home issue going on. We are going in to our fifth week. Week one was okay, week two was tolerable, week three was boring and so on. Two days ago we woke up in the middle of the night because the fire alarms were going off. After a while we were able to return to our room because the problem was not a fire but a possible defective sprinkler system in another room that caused the sprinklers to go off and created a major water mess in that area of the hotel (fortunately for us we were on the other side of the hotel). Last night I was talking with the front desk and the woman (who we are getting to know very well after a month) shared with us that the gentleman in the suite with the problem had his heat up as high as it could go and they now think the issue is that his room hit 95 or 100 degrees which caused the sprinklers to go off. To make matters worse he doesn’t speak any English and was so frightened when the sprinkles went off he didn’t tell anyone hoping it would stop and he could just clean things up. I felt bad for him in that moment knowing he is a businessman who was brought in by some company to do some specific task and given his culture this type of embarrassment is more than just being embarrassed. It is a matter of disrespect for his employer. Dishonor is the word that comes to mind.

But I digress. While we were at the front desk the kind woman shared that she received the call extending our room yet another week. I said something like “Well we certainly like all of you here but we hope to get back in our home some day soon.” She laughed and said “I know exactly what you mean. One day I had to spend the night here because the weather was so bad out I couldn’t get home.” She remarked how she had missed her bed. I thought to myself, “Really? One night? Try 30 or 40 nights!” And later I started to think about how hotel management might find it good to require their employees to be guests in the hotel when they first start on the job. Let them really understand what the people paying to stay there experience. I wonder how that might change the way they approach their job.

The other situation that happened is that I was trying to help a young pregnant woman who was homeless find a place to stay. Being homeless you don’t have the basic things you need to change your situation. She was frustrated, lonely and lost. I offered to make some calls for her. It was in that process that I discovered many (not all) of the ministries trying to serve homeless people might not quite “get” what their lives are like. Often I called a phone number only to discover I had to leave a message and someone would “call me back”. I thought to myself “how many homeless people have a phone?” Or the place didn’t have room, or they had room but they only take women 21 and younger, or they only take women with children (pregnant doesn’t count), or they only help women who are escaping from domestic violence. I made a dozen or more calls and found myself very frustrated with the entire process. And I have resources at my disposal. How much more frustrating must it be for those that don’t?

The Bible verse that goes something like “do unto others as you’d have them do unto you” kept coming into my head. I remember hearing it as a child and getting the lecture about “be nice”. I remember finding it hard to be nice, especially when the person (usually a sibling) wasn’t being nice to me. And while I believe the “be nice” interpretation of that Bible verse is valid, I am starting learn there is much more to it than that.

I think God wants us to really try to understand what the other person is going through, from THEIR point of view…not mine. And before I offer to help I think I really need to figure out what the actual need is and then determine if my fix is appropriate for their condition. Sort of like having a homeless hotline number where you actually answer the phone. Or before saying something like “I know what you are going through” making sure you are not comparing a one night stay in a hotel to a 40 night stay. There is a distinct difference, especially when in one case the person actually could go home to their own bed and the other could not.

We also had a situation with a client who is abusing drugs. The volunteer understood that she needed help beyond the pregnancy, the kind a rehab place could give. But she also understood that walking through the door of the hospital alone was almost more than this woman could even begin to think about. There are things in her life that from our perspective seem insignificant compared to drug abuse (like a dog, or being able to have a cigarette). But from her perspective it makes complete sense to her. I’m very thankful the volunteer working with this client didn’t judge her, but instead worked hard to help her.

If you’ve made it this far thank you. For me this has GREAT application to what we do. Not all of us who work or volunteer here have experienced an unplanned pregnancy. For us when a client states her boyfriend will leave her if she continues the pregnancy we might think “let him go”. But we are making that call from a place of safety. She is not.

For some clients just walking in our front door is the scariest thing they will ever do. All their fears come with them. The first “hello” they get tells them a lot about what to expect from us. If they aren’t greeted well or timely and they see people in the office talking (or does it look like gossiping to them?) how will that affect the rest of their experience? If the person counseling them talks more then they listen what will that do in their hearts? If they call our hotline and all they are given is a bunch of numbers to call but they don’t have that ability, how have we helped them?

I think we do an OUTSTANDING job of meeting our clients needs. But I also believe that shouldn’t put us in a position of comfort because I think that is when we have the greatest risk of forgetting about what the client is experiencing and needs. I’ve watched over the years as you and others have modeled Matthew 7:12. Thank you! Keep up the good work! It is because of that attitude that women come here for help. It is that experience that sets us apart from others.

Matthew 7:12
"In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”

(http://www.adviceandaid.com/)

Putting God First - Treasure

2010-11-19T11:48:00.001-06:00

Holidays are coming. Presents are on everyone’s minds. What to buy? What will I get? How much should I spend? How much can I spend? Wish I had more to spend.

Yes, this time of year our hearts and our thoughts often turn to material things. Some things we will treasure, some we won’t remember. I think back to the many gifts I’ve received over the years and find that there are really only a few that come to mind. And even those few aren’t cherished memories because of the dollar value of the gift. No, it is the meaning behind the gift or the joy it brought when I opened it that matters most.

God offers a gift as well.

A gift of mercy that extends far beyond anything we can comprehend.
A gift of love. Not a fleeting love or a love that wavers. His love defines us, molds us, shapes us, and determines our value.
A gift of sacrifice. A baby of humble beginnings. Left heaven and all that means to walk among His creation only to be despised by the very creation He loves the most.
A gift of eternal life with Him where there is no more death, no more sorrow, no more tears.

What is the value of that gift? How could I ever do enough or own enough to purchase that gift?

Recently in the news I heard about a rare pink diamond that sold for $46 Million!

Even if I could afford to buy a ring for $46 Million, I sure hope I wouldn’t. There are so many other things to treasure. And we can find eternal treasures right here, right now.

I treasure the beautiful jewels of wisdom I find in God’s word. This Christmas invest in your life by looking into the Bible and finding a verse that speaks to your heart and maybe share that with a friend or family member when you gather together during the holidays.

Here’s mine to you:

Psalm 19:10 (from The Message)
God's Word is better than a diamond, better than a diamond set between emeralds. You'll like it better than strawberries in spring, better than red, ripe strawberries.

This?

Or this...

Live or die. Listen or talk.

2010-09-13T09:20:00.000-05:00

I sat in the room with a beautiful woman in her late twenties and listened as she shared how much she no longer wanted to live. How she dreams about dieing and that if it weren't for her little boy she would already have followed through on that dream. She can't get through today and the idea of planning for tomorrow was, well...just incomprehensible for her.

And I completely understood where she was coming from been having felt that way myself many years ago.

I am far from that place now and by the grace of God a different person. Yet it amazed me how vivid those memories could still be. 2010 has had a lot of death in it for me and those I love. My husband's beloved father, a cousin, parents of close friends, friends who lost their little boy, and more. Even as I type this post I am preparing to attend yet another funeral in about an hour from now.

So perhaps that is why I have been so deeply contemplating eternity. In light of eternity these few years on this planet are put a flash if light that you barely even see. Yet, God thinks they have some value or importance.

How much of my time do I invest in things that have eternal value and how much is just things that mean something for today? How much of my energy is given to others and how much is wasted on things that just don't matter?

I recently purchased an android phone and believe it to have been a wise purchase. Wise for temporal reasons anyways. Yet, this phone with all its bells and whistles has in a strange way simplified my life. So for that, I am grateful.

Not sure why I bothered with that last comment but I will leave it and hope it will have value for someone else that might actually read this post.

So back to the reason I felt compelled to do this entry. Death. How near or far is it? If I live through today will I have done anything with these minutes or hours that in eternity will matter? If I live 50 more years, what then? I believe the answer is not as difficult as I would think. I believe it is about love.

Not the love this world has to offer with empty promises and things we buy. No, that love is fleeting. The love that you feel when you look in a stranger's eye and ask "how are you today" and then stick around to hear the answer. The love you see when strangers rush in to help others in crisis. The love you see when someone has just lost their spouse of 60 years still finds a way to thank you for visiting and asks how you are doing. Not because it is the polite thing to do but because they really want to know.

I started with this young woman who just wanted to die. Let me close with her. We talked a long time and while I felt I wasn't getting through I later found out that she did hear what I and another person had to say to her. At one point in our conversation she shared a dark secret that she had held for many years. Something in that release connected with her soul and while she still has much to deal with she no longer feels like death is the only way out.

Spend this day seeking out what you could do that would count for eternity. Don't wait for it to just fall in your lap. SEEK it out. Look for opportunities to invest in another person. And try to listen more than talk today. It is amazing what you will hear.

After all while the old saying goes "this is the first day of the rest of your life" but the opposite could be true too. If this was the last day of your life how would you spend it? On eternal matters or matters that only count for this day?

The Coo Coo Clock

2010-07-31T21:16:00.000-05:00

Many years ago Gary bought a Coo Coo Clock. At the time his sister was taking a trip to Germany and he wanted one bought from Germany. I remember how important this was to him. He spoke of going to his Grandma's house as a little boy and how much he looked forward to seeing her Coo Coo Clock. He had always hoped that one day he too would own such a clock and the someday he would have grandchildren who marveled at how it worked.

That was years before our kids met their current spouses and years before our son and daughter-in-law had a baby.

But on a recent visit Gary saw his dream come true as our grandson just couldn't get enough of Gary's Coo Coo Clock. What a joy and what great memories are being made.

Things that rarely happen after 50

2010-07-25T11:35:00.000-05:00

I was driving home from church this morning reflecting on the message and the really great service I had experienced. I took the back roads as I desired to have the windows open since it was not 100 degrees yet. Traveling main highways at 60 or 70 miles per hour with the windows down creates a wind tunnel in my car that wouldn't have been condusive to my mood.

No radio, the sunroof open with the sun shining on me, a comfortable breeze runs through my car. I am deep in thought as I come to a red light. I only notice the car in the left turn lane, just enought to admire it, as I pull up next to it. A yellow mustang with all the bells and whistles, tinted windows, and obviously welled cared for by its owner. I think of my little gold civic as it sits next to it and wonder, if my car had a personality how would it feel right now?

Would it be jealous or would it wish it could be just like this car when it grows up? Now 10 years old, with a cracked windshield, a dented front bumper, a deep scratch on the back bumper and a few other minor dings and dents; this little car just isn't what it once was when it was new. But it gets me where I'm going and still gets great gas mileage. I was so deep in these and other thoughts, probably smiling because of my mood, I never even noticed the window go down on the passenger side of the yellow mustang.

A very deep, sultry voice said "hi". Instinctively I said "hi" back. Since we were only about a foot away from each other I responded at an appropriate sound level (not too loud, not too soft). He said, again in that soothing voice that said hi, "how are you this morning?"

I smiled and said "I'm doing good." The light turned green and I proceeded on my way. The yellow mustang sat at the light until the car behind it gave him a gentle beep that said "hey dummy the light is green for you too".

I wondered, "was he flirting with me?"

NO way. He had to be my son's age. But it has been years since someone I'm not married to has flirted with me, so maybe I just don't know what that looks like anymore. Maybe he was just a very nice young man who looked past the cracks, dents, and scars of my little gold civic and just wanted to be nice on this gorgeous Sunday morning that the Lord has made.

Either way, I am amused.

Nature's Fireworks!

2010-07-03T18:52:00.001-05:00

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY 2010!

All pictures taken in our yard.

Stranger...old friend

2010-07-01T16:20:00.000-05:00

Who is this stranger inside of me?
The person I don’t want others to see.

She is mean and angry ready to yell.
To control her is hard can’t you tell?

She wants to come out but if she does
Can I put her away and go back to what was?

If she says the things that are on her mind
Others will know she is NOT very kind

She doesn’t care what others think
I do...but does that make me weak?

Weak in my faith and my walk with the Lord
What He thinks should mean so much more.

He sees that girl hiding in me
He hears her thoughts, so how can it be

That He loves me still
Loves my will

Loves me when it’s hard to love myself
Loves me and puts me above all else

Again His love is a mystery
A gift that He wants others to see

God, help me get rid of that old friend
Who comes to visit now and again

Help me remember I belong to You
Help me put You first in all I do

Take captive every evil thought
Help me behave as I ought.

.

Tears

2010-06-15T10:33:00.000-05:00

This past week has seen many tears and I expect today and tomorrow to follow down that path. For those I love, whose hearts are broken beyond endurance, I know their tears will continue for years to come. These are the thoughts that brought me to do a Bible word search on “tears”. There is so much there that one could get lost in the significance of it all. Here is just a little of what I found.

2 Kings 20:5
“This is what the Lord, the God of your father David says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.”

I thought and prayed about this verse. God sees our tears. He sees the tears of my friends. The tears they cry in front of friends and family. The tears they cry together as they grieve the son they lost. The tears they cry in private when no one else is around, not even their spouse. Yes, not one tear falls from their eyes that God is unaware of. This verse comes with a promise from God as well, “I will heal you.” We don’t know or understand what that healing will look like. We can’t comprehend how this deep pain can ever be healed. But God is bigger than all this and so I have nothing left but trust Him at His word.

Psalm 56:8
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.”

Again this affirms what the previous verse stated. God sees each tear. But this verse goes a little deeper. God not only sees each tear He treasures them. He collects them in His bottle. We read about Jesus’ tears in Hebrews 5:7 “While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death.” And the famous verse where it says “Jesus wept.”, John 11:35. There are others verses as well, but for me this helps me know that God understands our sorrow and our pain. Perhaps even more than we do. He understands it so well that he treasures it by recording it in His book.

And while today and tomorrow will days filled with many tears, there is hope. Not because of some undefined optimistic view of life but because God Himself tells us of it.

Revelation 21:4
“He will wipe all tears from their eyes, and there will be no more death, suffering, crying, or pain.”

That day is not here yet. But it will come. In that day we will know God more. In that day we will understand events in light of eternity. But today, we live a temporal existence that is limited by time. For those who grieve, today can feel like eternity. Each minute can feel like eternity. So I will not hold back the tears. I will and not be ashamed of them, nor will I look on them as a weakness. If Jesus, who was and is God can cry…God eternal all-powerful…then tears are not weakness they are a form of profound strength and feelings. As I look in the eyes of my friends I will cherish each tear they share and know that God is holding them in the palm of His hand.

I was wrong...and I'm okay with that.

2010-06-09T10:12:00.000-05:00

There are times when I relish the fact that I was wrong. This morning was one of them. To understand why I need to take you back to Sunday morning...

I was up early, very normal for me, and decided it looked like a nice morning to take a walk before getting ready for church. So by 6:30 AM I am out the door and the minute I walked outside it just took my breath away. It was almost 70 degrees, no humidity, the sky was a perfect shade of light blue and I couldn't see a cloud no matter what direction I looked. My walk takes me past a pristine golf course, into a park, past two small lakes in the park, into the woods, and through a rose garden. The scenery and the weather was spectacular. I thought to myself, "this is the best weather to walk in". I was so content that the thought of returning home didn't appeal to me much. But I knew that I was expected back and so staying in the park and enjoying the walk longer was not an option.

Then I got lazy and didn't walk Monday or Tuesday. This morning, I looked outside and saw the heavy clouds and knew it would be very wet out there due to the almost four inches of rain the day before. I remembered back to Sunday morning's walk and felt a great sadness knowing that this morning could not compete with the experience of that walk. Reluctantly I got up and put my walking clothes on.

The minute I stepped outside I was hit by the heavy wetness that filled the air. Soggy is a completely inadequate word to describe how wet everything was. I began my walk in my usual fashion which consists of crossing the street, getting on the sidewalk, and glancing down the path ahead of me. I frowned when I realized it was garbage day and that I would have to maneuver around the garbage cans and recycle bins set on the sidewalks awaiting the garbage truck's arrival. Oh well, I had my book with me and knew that once I started reading while I walked I would get lost in the story line and not even notice these distractions.

(Okay, before you judge or think you read that wrong. YES, I read while I walk. And NO it isn't as dangerous as it sounds, even for me. I find it far safer then texting at sixty miles an hour while driving a vehicle that could easily cause the death of others if not operated attentively. And NO I do NOT text while driving that is merely an example that I think others can relate to.)

Back to my walk. I made it about one block when I had to close the book. It started to drizzle. While reading and walking isn't overly challenging for me, reading while the book is getting wet is. Disappointed and not in the mood to listen to my music I just walked. As I did I started to realize what an incredibly beautiful morning it was. The rain that came down in buckets the day before had completely cleaned every leaf and flower of any Kansas dust that had been covering it. The grayness of the morning disappeared as I saw the crispness of the yellow flowers, the thousands of different shades of green in the trees and grass, the deep purple flowers that I never noticed before, and heard the joyous chirping of birds rinsing themselves off in the myriad of puddles available to them.

My thoughts turned to my Lord who created all I see. Who brought beauty through His creation to an otherwise gloomy morning. By now, the drizzle had turned to a steady light rain. Very fine but steady. It was so soft I could barely feel it hit my face and arms as I just stood there, face up, arms stretched out, and let it cover me with what one could only describe as peace.

As I continued my walk I scanned the scenery taking in every detail my eyes and brain could process. I happened upon a very large evergreen tree with long pine needles. The needles went out from the branches in every direction and on the end of each individual needle was a droplet of water. The clouds had gotten lighter and each droplet was reflecting back the whiteness from the clouds. The beautiful dark green giant looked like it had thousands of tiny white pearls placed with loving care on the end of each needle. I marveled at this treasure before moving on.

Other trees that decorate the path I walked were so spectacular to see. The bark was dark because of the rain and that made the green, shiny leaves stand out even more. HD TV could not even begin to compete with the vivid colors of nature this morning. WOW!

I rounded the last corner that would bring me back to my humble little house on a quiet corner lot. I reflected back on all I had seen this morning and tears of complete humbleness gently flowed from eyes. "Thank you God" is all I could think. So happy I didn't let that first thought of not taking my walk today because of the weather be my driving force this morning. So happy that I was completely proven wrong that only on a sunny day will I see nature's full beauty. This morning was truly the most incredibly beautiful morning of any walk I can remember. It will forever be in my memories for me to pull up and reflect on when I'm in need of a ten minute mental mini vacation.

I had at one point on this walk turned on my music. The radio station played a song by Audio Adrenaline called "Ocean's Floor". A great reminder how God removes our sins from us and chooses to see them no more. I walked this same path many times and had no idea what vivid bright colors existed because of the Kansas dust that seems to cover everything causing it to be duller than how God had made it. Then HE opened the skies and let His rain clean every leaf, flower, and blade of grass that I could see. Not only clean them but decorated them with sweet tiny droplets of water that looked like priceless, flawless pearls. This is the picture God has for you and me. Our choices in life that lead to sin dull who we were created to be. They dull our view of ourselves and they dull how others see us. They limit our ability to shine His light so others can truly see who He is. But when we confess our sins and let God wash them away, then and only then, will we be adorned with the beauty that brings God the honor and glory He deserves.

Forgive me Lord. Wash my sins away. Love me Lord. This is what I pray. Amen!

At rest in Grandma's arms

2010-05-01T11:14:00.001-05:00

Recently my 16 month old grandson came in town with his parents to visit. (Interesting, I just noticed that I have demoted my son and daughter-in-law to "his parents". Must be what happens when God introduces grandchildren into your life.)

I thought that after having lived over five decades I had at one time or another experienced every kind and level of love imaginable to mankind. I had no idea that there was yet another level of love to experience and feel and that it would come in such a little package as a grandchild.

It is hard being a grandparent of a child that lives far away. Especially when he is this young and every day is a new adventure and holds so many new things to learn. You wonder, what does he remember from having met us so many months ago? Will he know us? Will we need to wait a few days until he warms up to us before he will feel comfortable? Will he just get to know us and then it is time to get back on a plane and go home? Will he forget who we are when he gets back home? Yes, it is hard.

But this wonderful bundle of joy wrapped up in a little boy is so precious that all those questions and fears disappear the minute we see him. Nothing else really matters in that moment. It is enough to just take in each facial expression, each look of wonder when he sees something new.

One afternoon we are at a restaurant and my grandson agrees to let me hold him on my lap. I watched as he looked back at momma to make sure it was okay and to just be assured she was still there. He trusts grandma because he knows his momma trusts her. His whole world is centered on his parents. Where are they? Are they watching how cute I am? He makes sure that he knows where to look just so he can see they are still close by.

After a little while he has turned and is resting his tired head on my chest. I can tell by how his arms go limp that he has fallen asleep in my arms. It is in that moment that I am sure life doesn't get any better than this. It is in that moment that if God were to take me home, I would go knowing I had experienced all that is good in this world. It is in that moment, when it is well with my soul, that I would slow down time if I could to make it last just a little bit longer.

I can still feel that moment in my heart. I have pondered all the emotions tied to the memory since it happened. It is such a beautiful example of how our Heavenly Father wants us to feel in His arms. Content. Perfect abandonment of all we know and all that is around us. Total and unconditional trust.

We get so busy being and doing that we forget to rest in the arms of our Father. We don't take that time or make it a priority. How sad. I wonder what we are missing. I wonder if God's heart aches for those moments.

My grandson woke from his short nap and immediately looked for his mother. Refreshed and renewed, he was ready for what adventures were in store next. He was done being in this restaurant and desired to go outside and explore. We eagerly followed his wishes.

Psalm 131:2
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child rests against his mother, my soul is like a weaned child within me.

Have you ever considered why the "weaned child" is the word picture we are given in this verse? An unweaned child/baby, while very precious, will go to his mother for nourishment. For a reason of need and provision. To put it simply, the baby has purely selfish motives. The weaned child, rests against his mother with contentment. No demands on her for food. Just seeking comfort and safety. The desire (not the demand) is one for love.

As I remember my grandson resting in my arms I pray that I have those moments with my God. Moments where I just abandon my own motives for going to Him. Moments when I don't go expecting something in return. Moments were I just rest, and know He is God.

Putting God First - Taxes

2010-04-15T10:42:00.002-05:00

Matthew 17:25-27

After they had returned home, Jesus went up to Peter and asked him, "Simon, what do you think? Do the kings of this earth collect taxes and fees from their own people or from foreigners?" Peter answered, "From foreigners."
Jesus replied, "Then their own people don't have to pay. But we don't want to cause trouble. So go cast a line into the lake and pull out the first fish you hook. Open its mouth, and you will find a coin. Use it to pay your taxes and mine."

Isn’t this interesting? I often wonder what it was like to follow Jesus while He was here on earth. How often did the disciples think to themselves, “Is He nuts?”

I mean really. Go fishing, open the mouth of the first fish you hook, there will be a coin in it. It had to either take a lot of faith on Peter’s part to follow this instruction or he just loved and respected Jesus so much that no matter how weird the request sounded, Peter did what he was asked. Either way I am in awe.

If it had been me, I imagine I would have had to ask Jesus all kinds of questions first. And if I did as instructed I would have had the attitude of “whatever”. I would do it but most likely wouldn’t expect to even catch a fish; let alone one with a coin in its mouth.

Jesus often did this didn’t He? God often gave instructions that seemed, well…a bit odd.
• Feed thousands with just a few fish and a few loaves of bread.
• Go ahead of Me and tell them to give you the donkey and its colt.
• Destroy a fortified city with a large army by walking around it making a bunch of noise.
• “I will make you fishers of men.” (Did they even know what that meant?)

What is God asking of you today? Does it seem impossible or improbable?

In the verses above, what was the lesson for Peter? Was it to pay taxes even if they might not be required? Was it to not cause trouble? Was it to look for coins in the mouth of fishes? Or maybe, it didn’t have anything to do with taxes. Maybe, just maybe, Jesus used it to teach Peter something else. Something about who He was.

I see in this section of scripture a God who is wise and gentle. Teaching and instructing with lessons that will be remembered for years. I know I certainly would never forget pulling a coin out of a fish’s mouth to pay my taxes. I see a God who doesn’t use conventional methods to accomplish His will. I see in this lesson that I need to be ready for “WHATEVER” God asks of me, even if it seems odd. Expect God to do great things. He has in the past, He is right now, and He will be in the future!

Victory (Easter 2010)

2010-04-04T11:55:00.009-05:00

He died so that you could live

What more do you need Him to give?

He came to earth just to die

Many still question "Why?"

Love held Him to that cursed tree

Now He asks..."Are you free?"

He died to bring you new life

No more sorrow, no more strife.

But what is it that He asks?

What can you give and not take back?

Give your heart and you will see

He wants you in eternity

God, then man and God again

Where His life ends, yours begins

The grave is empty, the battle won

Christ paid the price, "It is done."

Palm Sunday - the year of our LORD

2010-03-28T08:02:00.015-05:00

"Who is he? What's happening?" was the little girl's plea.

"It's him! It's Jesus!" her mother replied with great glee.

"The Messiah, our Savior, God's promise fulfilled!

He has come. He is here. In the way God had willed."

The little girl much too small to see through the crowd.

Asked others to lift her, no one heard, it was loud.

She worked through legs that were blocking her path.

Now in front of the others she didn't look back.

The praises she heard kept her heart from all fear.

The crowd was excited this man was now here.

Not knowing for sure what all this might mean.

She would never forget that wonderful scene.

A Valentine

2010-02-12T11:21:00.006-06:00

Getting ready for Chinese New Year

2010-02-10T21:16:00.007-06:00

Chinese Almond Cookies - in the oven

Now out of oven and looking good!

Chinese New Year Cookies! YUM!

Two go in, one comes out

2010-01-18T12:20:00.004-06:00

Artist: John Hendrix - http://johnhendrix.com/

Two go in, one comes out.

(Written by: Barb Gosa)

The dark hall seemed endless as she followed it out.
What now? What now? She wanted to shout.
Her head hung low, tears ran down her face.
The one thing on her mind was just to escape.

But she followed the others, held by fear, held by lies.
The lie “this will fix it”, was the counselor’s cry.
“Just minutes, it’s over” is one that visits her yet.
Dreams cast with memories she tries to forget.

Never over; that past; that pain just won’t leave.
Regrets fill the tapestry of life she now weaves.
Abortion. The promise was one of pregnancy ended.
That promise fulfilled creates another unsaid.

The moment the baby died in her womb.

That moment she felt enclosed in a tomb.
Silent prison, private grave, of anguish and pain.
Mother of a dead child that day she became.

Deceived by the lie “abortion’s the answer”.
Abortion, it covers her soul like a cancer.
Always there, ever growing, darkening her heart.
If only she’d listened back at the start…

Outside the clinic she saw a man standing that day.
Held a sign, said no words, just stood there and prayed.
She remembers thinking, “What is that all about?”
The sign simply read, “Two go in, one comes out.”

What did God do today?

2009-12-28T13:32:00.003-06:00

Remember the WWJD craze? You know, those initials were on everything (t-shirts, bracelets, rings, bumper stickers). WWJD - What Would Jesus Do?

I don't see it much anymore. People wore them to remind themselves to react as they expect Jesus would react if in their shoes. I must admit I didn't really get it. First of all, I certainly don't presume to know the mind of God or to know how He would react to situations. God has much more insight and knowledge than I could ever have. Yet, I bought one of those bracelets.

I wore it on a trip with high schoolers to Washington DC. I was a chaperon. I had never done anything like that and knew it was probably out of my comfort zone, and if I am to be honest, it might not be so much fun for those students either. So I thought that having the reminder around my wrist that I was a Christian would be important. I imagined myself getting angry at some teenager for breaking rules or something. It is a long story that this post is not about so details will be skipped. The bottom line was that the bracelet became a lifeline for me as I went 36+ hours with no sleep and dealing with an intense situation in a hospital while one of the teens faced emergency surgery.

Sadly though, I did lose it at one point. It was not a teen or anyone involved with the trip. Just a person who had the wrong attitude with me when I had not one ounce of patience left. I learned the line between sanity and insanity is very thin and one I hope to never cross again. I found myself in a public bathroom, on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. For someone who is a control freak, trust me when I say this was not a good thing. I had just splashed my face with cold water, looked in the mirror and saw my reflection looking ragged and frightened. I leaned against the wall and just sank to the floor where I sat and cried. My hands over my face, I opened my eyes and saw that bracelet on my wrist. I cried some more. WWJD?

WWJD?!? I'll tell you what He wouldn't do! He wouldn't scream at some stranger on the phone like a raving lunatic. That is what He wouldn't do!

But as those and other thoughts entered my insanity I felt a calmness starting to reclaim my heart. I prayed there, on the floor of that bathroom, for a very long time. I pulled myself together and went back to the surgical waiting room to wait for news on the teen I had brought to the hospital hours before.

She remained there and eventually family came to meet her and take her home. I returned to the role of chaperon and clung to that bracelet for the next three days. Believe, me I needed it, there were other "situations" that happened on that trip. It was my lifeline to God and reminded me that I belong to Him. When I returned home I wrapped the bracelet and sent it to the high school girl I had spent so many hours with in the emergency room. The note included why I wanted her to have it. We met at a store a few years later, by chance, and hugged as if we had never stopped knowing each other. I've not seen her again but I often think of her and pray for her.

That was a lifetime ago for me. Much has changed. I've grown in my faith and my knowledge of the Lord. I've still got a long way to go but today I was reminded that I belong to Him. A simple unexpected phone call and I am in awe of the God who spoke our universe into existence.

The content of the call is not what matters. What matters is how God used a sad event (the death of a loved one) in this person's life to connect us. Strangers when I answered phone, we concluded the call - sisters in Christ. Her broken heart bared early in our talk put her on cliff that I had the power to push her off of. Yet, I knew that is not what she needed. She needed to feel safe. So I listened, for a very long time, as she poured out years of difficulties and hurts. The longer we talked the more we found we have much in common. I asked her if I could pray with her before we hung up and she sobbed "YES" in a way that let me know no one, not even those close to her, had offered to pray with her over these things that trouble her sleep. It was a God moment. God used the death of someone in her family to result in a phone call where we were able to meet. The reason for her call was insignificant and was easy to take care of. Yet, God wanted more for her. She longs for a church home and after talking God brought just the right one to my mind. I pray she visits. She desires friendship, God gave her soulship. But He wasn't done there. See, I have my own need, a small insignificant need that is really more of a nuisance than a need. After listening to her share what she does I realized she might be able to take care of my need. So I shared what I needed and she was ecstatic about helping me. As a result, we will talk again and probably even meet in person.

I have moved beyond asking, "what would Jesus do" and moved in to watching to see what God is doing! How about you? What has God done in your life today? Nothing? If that is true I can assure that you are wrong. He is active in our lives. However, if we aren't watching for Him, we will miss it. Before you fall to sleep tonight, ask yourself:

"What did God do today?"

You might be surprised by the answer.

The man in the Australian Outback Hat

2009-12-01T18:04:00.003-06:00

I remember a popular book titled "The Five People You Meet In Heaven". Well, I'm hoping to meet more than that one day but for now I'll settle for the interesting people I've met in the hot tub while visiting my parents in the retirement community in Florida.

Really, you meet the most interesting people. From the young man in his 50's visiting his mom who considers himself an "easy going liberal" (which I didn't know existed and really am not sure I even know what that meant), to a woman from Sheboygan Wisconsin who shared memories of her younger days in the state my husband and I grew up in.

Then there are the people who are about 20-30 years older than us who talk about what it will be like when they get old. Hee hee. That one makes me laugh every time and I have to work very hard to not laugh out loud.

But for me the most memorable will be the man in the Outback hat. Born in 1928 this man was fascinating to listen to. I could have spent long hours hearing his stories. It wasn't just the story itself, but the delivery of it and the way his eyes danced as he shared childhood memories.

He remembers what it was like growing up during WWII. He shared how he remembers things like car tires were hard to get. However, his father was a doctor and so he was able to replace car tires when he needed to. Then he shared about the first car he bought. A young man in high school, he purchased a 1929 Model T with a friend of his. That was the only way he could afford it. They split the cost, $15 each! They saved a long time for it. They bought it from a farmer and walked out to the field where it was parked so they could take their new treasure home.

He said they couldn't get tires because of the war. At least not real tires. They got old tires made of poor material and worn out. They called them "50 mile tires" because that is about as far as they could get before one of them would blow. He remembers one time when his friend had the car and was bringing it back to his house because it was his turn to have it. He heard a car coming and then BOOM, followed shortly by another BOOM. Two tires blown out just like that. His eyes lit up as he shared the joy that noise was for him because he knew that meant the car coming down the road was his.

Then he and his friend painted their highschool girlfriends' names on the back windows of the car. The same back windows that he said came with shades when they bought the car, shades like house window shades with tassles on them and I think I saw him blush when he shared this story. He said both girls were quite angry and insulted when they saw their names painted on the back seat windows of the car. While they were doing the painting these two young men in their teens really didn't intend it to have the meaning their girls took from it but I could swear I saw a sly little smile come across his face when he shared this part.

He was so interesting and I wanted to hear more but his time in the hot tub was over. He got up and announced, "this lobster is boiled" and proceeded to leave the hot tub and went right into the pool that was about 20 degrees cooler. It was then that I understood the strength his old body still had. There was NO way I was going to go from that comfortable hot tub to the pool. The shock to my system I'm sure would cause some kind of medical condition that couldn't be good for me. Yet there he was, swimming as if it was as warm as bath water. Strong or a little nuts? I may never know.

Putting God First - Appreciation

2009-10-22T10:48:00.003-05:00

As I was preparing my heart before going to the radio station last night, I opened my Bible to look for my favorite passage I like to read before giving my testimony or public speaking. This was an AM radio talk show and I've never done anything like that before so I wasn't sure what to expect. Before I found the passage I was interested in, I came across this other passage. It was highlighted in my old worn Bible with pages that are barely bond in with the others anymore. The leather cover on this Bible is frayed on all sides from use. It is like an old friend, comfortable and full of memories. I don't use it as much as I once had because it is so fragile now. But every once in a while I like to pick it up and read from it because I know that I have many things highlighted in it and many notes written in the margins. Next to this particular passage I had scribbled “WOW! How beautiful this is!!!!”

2 Corinthians 3:2-3
The only letter of recommendation we need is you yourselves. Your lives are a letter written in our hearts; everyone can read it and recognize our good work among you. Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts.

Did that move you in any way? If not then I suggest saying a quick prayer and reading it one more time. This time slowly soaking in each sentence as if it was written to you from someone who taught you about Christ.

You are a living letter that God is using for others to read about who He is and about how much He loves them. Wow!

October is Pastor appreciation month. I have had the privilege of being taught by some of the finest Pastors over the years. Even now, I feel blessed to be in a church with Pastors who take their calling seriously and invest their time in my life and the lives of others. They are doing a "good work".

There are others in my life who have done a "good work" as well. These women love the Lord and it shows. That love pours out of them and flows on to everyone they have contact with. I remember a woman who invested time in meeting with me and teaching me from God's word things I somehow missed as a child. I remember another woman who mentored me as I began to search for what God wanted me to do with my life. Then there is this one dear woman, a "Timothy" to me as she is younger than I am, yet much wiser than almost anyone else I know. I remember my mom one time when we were going through a family crisis sitting us all down and saying something like, "You kids need to understand what my priorities are. First it is to God, then to your father, then to you kids." I did not understand this then, but now I understand in full.

As I type these memories my mind is flooded with so many more. God has been good to me. Surrounding me with men and women who have helped me grow in my wisdom of the Lord. Using them to carve His love story on the tablet of my heart.

So I close this post and dedicate it with GREAT appreciation to all the "pastors" in my life! May God bless them above and beyond how they have blessed me.

AMEN

Putting God First - Conviction

2009-10-08T09:42:00.003-05:00

Have you ever heard or read God’s word and something just pings in your heart in a way that you know God is trying to convict you of something? That happened to me this morning. I was listening to the radio and the preacher was teaching from 1 Thessalonians 3:12:
And may the Master pour on the love so it fills your lives and splashes over on everyone around you, just as it does from us to you.

On the surface this is a verse I’ve heard many times and one that usually doesn’t trip me up. As I'm driving I'm praying for the day and for things on my heart. I'm asking God to step in and change our city so those hurting will find places that give hope and life. At this point I'm probably feeling pretty good about myself because I’m starting my day in this fashion when the radio preacher says something like…

“Isn’t it easy to let God’s love flow out of you with people you like? BUT what about people you don’t like. How are you loving them?”

He didn’t say anything about ever liking them, just loving them. Loving them? I must confess that there are people in this world that I don't like. And so loving them certainly is not something that ever crossed my mind. Just the thought is challenging and to add to that an action like “how are you showing them love” is almost incomprehensible for me.

Yet, Christ died on the cross for them too. He loved them so much that he endured the pain and the shame of their sins along with my own. That is HOW He showed His love. Am I willing to follow Christ’s example? Oh, I don’t think that God is asking me to endure death on a cross but I do believe that He wants me to allow myself to show love to those I don’t like. To let my pride and my ego die. So I’m left, and challenged with, “how” do I show that love? Here are some initial thoughts:
1. To not wish harm on them.
2. To not harbor nasty thoughts about them or allow my mouth to speak poorly about them.
3. To pray sincerely and humbly for them.
4. Possibly to go out of my way to do something nice for them.

Could God call me to do more than that? Yes. Will I be ready when He does? With Christ’s love filled in me I believe it is possible.

Father God, once again I am amazed at your unlimited love. You have touched my heart in a place I did not know needed to be corrected. Help me to love those I don’t like in real ways that require action not just thought. Fill me with your love to the place where it overflows and splashes out onto every person I meet. God you know who needs to be loved today and you do that through your people. May you use me to love someone today. AMEN

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

2009-09-30T10:49:00.002-05:00

Recently I was asked to speak to the 5th grade class at my church about why and how I got into fulltime ministry. Naturally, being in a pregnancy center the discussion would at some point need to discuss babies and life in the womb. I was a bit nervous as I do better with teens and adults on this topic. Yet here I was, in a room with 5th graders.

Their Bible verse was Gen. 1:27 which was perfect for me to launch from. We started by discussing God as author and creater of all life and how humans (male and female) are the only life that God created in His image.

We discussed how special that is and that no matter how big or small we are that doesn't change that fact. I asked them if they could think of any times in the Bible when they remember it talking about someone while they were still in their mother's womb and not even born yet. They were awesome! Of course Jesus came up first but then others also were shared (even Jacob and Esau). I kept waiting for someone to say John the Baptist and eventually someone did. So I was able to talk about when Mary was pregnant with Jesus and went to visit her cousin Martha who was pregnant with John the Baptist.

I'm on a roll at this point because I was so excited that they were able to provide the answers I was hoping for. But this one little girl just kept her hand up and was going "ooo, ooo, ooo". I had hoped if I kept talking she would stop but she didn't so I said "yes?" She said "Don't you mean Elizabeth, NOT Martha." To which I laughed and said, "Yes, I absolutely mean Elizabeth. Thank you for helping me."

Guess I better not apply to be on the show "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?"

Putting God First - Freedom

2009-09-09T09:50:00.002-05:00

I’ve been thinking about freedom lately, and it isn’t even July 4th. "Freedom" is an interesting word. It means many things to many people. In America I think we take freedom for granted. Too many generations have passed since this country fought for the right to be free. But freedom has a price doesn't it.

Too much freedom leaves society to do whatever it wants to. One person can infringe on another person's freedom by exercising their own. Freedom must have something to go with it or it would just become chaos. So freedom has rules, or laws if you want to look at it legally. If you want to be "politically correct" we'll just call them heavily suggested guidelines.

Why are they necessary? The answer is simple. To protect us. Protect us from what? I would have to say to protect us from ourselves.

Man did not just create this concept. God knew it first. God offers us freedom, real freedom. But there are some who wouldn't see it that way. They would see it as restrictions. Because God's freedom also has something that goes with it. To protect us. To keep us safe. God is not a cosmic kill-joy. God wants us to have abundant joy. A lasting, not a fleeting joy.

There is saying that is derived from the Bible (yet many don't know that), it goes: "I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see." I did not understand this until I understood God. In fact, I did not even know I was blind until I gained my sight.

For the musically knowledgeable they will recognize that those words are also found in the song "Amazing Grace". Why is it that when we are in that lost state we don't see it that way? We think we are free and don't even know that we are captives in our own prison. We are all slaves to something. For some (I relate to this one) that lost state is not recognized because of pride. Those are hard walls to let God break down.

I have so many more thoughts on this topic of freedom that I feel a sermon coming on. Since God has not called me to be a preacher I think I will stop now and close with God's words, not mine:

John 8:36
If the Son gives you freedom, you are free!
(This kind of freedom is one that can never be taken away.)

Romans 6:14
Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.
("Grace, grace, God's grace. Grace that is greater than all our sin.")

1 Corinthians 7:35
What I am saying is for your own good--it isn't to limit your freedom. I want to help you to live right and to love the Lord above all else.
(Oh, I get it. "MY" freedom. That is what I hold on to. I have to let my freedom go in order to accept God's freedom. There can only be one Master in my life, I can't serve myself and my God.)

1 Timothy 2:6
He gave his life to purchase freedom for everyone. This is the message God gave to the world at just the right time.

AMEN

Today

2009-09-03T11:16:00.002-05:00

My Lord, My God, my heart is weary
Yesterday gone, today is dreary
Miracle requested seems ignored
I trust You will do something more.

Yesterday now is just the past
Memories linger, memories last
Can't be changed or undone
Must go forward, must move on

The focus now is on today
Help me Lord is what I pray
Be my shelter and my guide
Hold me closer to Your side.

AMEN

Tomorrow

2009-09-01T20:35:00.003-05:00

My grief runs deep this evening as I wait for tomorrow A young woman confused and desperate knows tomorrow the "appointment" will come. She's been beaten down by threats and fear. Some self inflicted but most imposed by others. She doesn't "want" to have an abortion, she doesn't "want" to be pregnant. She just wants her life back. Sadly that won't ever happen.

Her mother can't sleep. She's been beaten down too. Mom is spent and has nothing left. Unable to be strong for her daughter she gives in to the pressure too. Mom can't sleep, she will drive daughter to the abortion clinic she knows too well. What pain must she feel as she drives down the street where her children died while still in her womb. Mom's wounds are old and mom's wounds are fresh. Her pain runs so deep she can't feel anything at all.

All that can be said has been said. There is nothing more anyone can do. So where do my tears come from? Who am I crying for? Is it the daughter or the mom that makes my heart break? I prayed and I've cried and I've prayed some more. Tomorrow a baby will die. No wait 3,700 babies will die tomorrow. 3,700 and 1.

Tomorrow a young woman will take a pregnancy test and cry. It was her last chance. They've tried it all. Every test, every procedure, every option. But she will learn that her hearts desire to birth a child will never come true. She will mourn her baren womb. She will look her husband in the eyes and feel she failed him. He will feel helpless to heal her wounded heart. They will try for years to adopt a baby but sadly there will be none. The babies have all been aborted.

Tomorrow an older woman will die. She will have lost her desire to live. She will have given up on fighting her grief from years ago. The shame from her abortions wins out. She can't take another night of bad dreams and haunting memories. She didn't know that suicide was a risk factor for abortion. She had never read the statistics that more post-abortive women commit suicide than any other woman group. She didn't know that she would never get her life back as she had once hoped.

Who are my tears for? Who breaks my heart more?

When did children become disposable? What civilized society determined that abortion was okay? I sat as a mother explained why her daughter must have an abortion. Mom saw her grandchild just the day before during the sonogram. Yet, she does not understand. Her little boy played in the room and we discussed how someday he will be a man. All this little boy needs is time to grow. Kind of like her grandchild in the womb? That baby has everything it will need to be an adult some day. Right now it just needs time in the womb to grow.

I'm tired of the old argument about how if abortion wasn't legal women will be dieing in back allies. Really? Possibly. 3,700 a day? I doubt it. Women are dieing now from abortion. A few physically, thousands emotionally.

Our societies complete and utter acceptance of abortion on demand has turned in to an ugly monster disguised as a cute little puppy. And that puppy is hiding behind some bigger dogs who are getting richer every day. When will the mask come off? When will good men stop doing nothing so evil won't keep succeeding.

"Abortion is a reflection that society has failed women." - Patricia Heaton

Amen sister!

Putting God First - Courage

2009-08-31T09:55:00.002-05:00

I read this weekend that if someone is depressed or feeling bad about themselves that giving them compliments does not really provide much help. The article suggested that if someone is feeling like this they should put themselves down.

Really, it said that their “self talk” should not be about what they are good at, instead it suggested they should pay themselves an “un-compliment”. What they meant by this is that they should think of something they are not good or bad at and reverse compliment themselves. You need examples? Okay.

Let’s say I’m in this mood where I'm suffering from ingrown eyeballs. Here are some “un-compliments” I could say to myself:
“I would be the worst waitress in the world.” (see this is true, I know it, I accept, and I don’t care, it even makes me giggle to myself)
“I’d be terrible at doing surgery.” (I bet you are all glad I know this)

Wow, I’m feeling better already. Kidding, I’m actually in a good place today. But as I practiced this I did find out that my mind was forced to think of things I don’t do and why, which caused some internal thoughts that reminded me of my strengths. So maybe there is something to the article I read. I have to admit that until typing this post I really thought it was a bunch of nonsense.

Personally, I find the best way to correct my faulty thinking is to look at God’s word. No matter what I'm facing; hardship, attacks, illness, difficulties; it doesn't seem to weigh me down as much after I take it to the Lord. He has a way of helping me put "my things" into an eternal perspective. That typically gives me the strength and courage I need to move on. And when it doesn't, well then I need a REALLY good and courageous friend to look me in the face and say something like, "just get over yourself." Fortunately, God has given me many friends like that.

Chronicles 15:7
"But you, be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work."

Job 11:18
Having hope will give you courage. You will be protected and will rest in safety.

Psalm 31:24
Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the LORD.

Psalm 138:3
When I asked for your help, you answered my prayer and gave me courage.

John 16:33
"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

Philippians 1:28
Be brave when you face your enemies. Your courage will show them that they are going to be destroyed, and it will show you that you will be saved. God will make all of this happen.

James 5:8
You, too, must be patient. Take courage, for the coming of the Lord is near.

1 John 2:28
And now, dear children, remain in fellowship with Christ so that when he returns, you will be full of courage and not shrink back from him in shame.

My hope is in you Lord! Grant me courage no matter what I may face this week. Thank you Lord that you showed me the way and that you equip me with everything I need, WHEN I need it. Not before I need, and not after I need it. God, grant me opportunities this week to show others how much you love them. Allow me to be a source of strength for someone. I trust you God in all things. Praise the Lord oh my soul! In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Putting God First - Encouraged

2009-08-25T13:38:00.003-05:00

I have no idea what kind of day you are having. Regardless if this day is bringing you joy or bringing challenges, or maybe both, I pray you will be encouraged by reading this post.

2 John 1:3
“Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Father’s Son, will be with us in truth and love.”

What GREAT words: grace, mercy, peace, truth, love!

AND all used in one sentence. How often do our sentences include that many words of encouragement and affirmation? WOW!

Abba Father,
May your words be my words today. Thank you for seeing to it that your Message would be written and kept alive for thousands of years. Keep my thoughts pure and help me to speak words of encouragement and affirmation to others; to family, to the mailman, to the clerk at a store, to co-workers, to whoever you bring into my life this day. AMEN

Putting God First - Waiting

2009-08-24T10:54:00.002-05:00

One night as I drifted off to sleep I reflected on the day. I felt that it was productive and was mostly at peace. Yet I found this small restlessness in my heart and so I asked God to examine it. I silenced my thoughts and waited. In the stillness of my heart I felt God saying “wait”. “Wait for what?” I wondered. No answer came just that one word “wait”. Slowly I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning I did a Bible word search on" “wait on the Lord”. I searched in 4 different translations and nothing came back. I was disappointed. I was positive there had to be a Bible verse on waiting on the Lord and since I couldn't find it I searched only on the word “wait” but so many verses came back that I was overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed or not I began the daunting task of reading the verses that came back on that search. It was in that search that I found what I was looking for. It isn’t “wait on the Lord”, it is “wait for the Lord”.

What a huge difference that one word makes. I redid my search with "wait for the Lord" and eight verses came back. Here are two of them:

Isaiah 40:31
“Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.”

I love this as often I find myself tired and weary.

Psalm 27:14
“ Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”

Hmmmmm…must be important when the search phrase I use is quoted twice in one verse.

Here is one that I found great comfort in:

Judges 6:18
“Please do not go away until I come back and bring my offering and set it before you." And the LORD said, "I will wait until you return."

Wow! God waits FOR us!

Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your patient waiting. Thank you that you never tire of waiting for me. I don’t feel worthy for such honor. Help me wait for you Lord as your plan for my life is carried out. Help me to remember that every person (husband, child, friend, co-worker, store clerk) I speak to is a person You directed to me. Help me be patient as I wait for you Lord. Help me to remember that Your word never fails and that You will make Your presence known. God there is none that compares to you. AMEN

Originally written: May 28th, 2009

Desperate

2009-08-21T07:49:00.003-05:00

So I'm driving home after an almost 12 hour day. Yikes can that be right? Started at 8:30 AM left at 8:00 PM. Yes I guess that's right.

Anyway, I decide to take the road less traveled home because the drive is so beautiful and less stressful than I435 and Metcalf. It had been a long day, that followed a long day the day before.

The windows are down the sunroof is as open as it can go. I'm wishing I had a convertible because it is just so incredibly beautiful out. I feel the stress that fills me beginning to leave.

I just put my head back and breath in the fabulously fresh air. I smell the trees, the grass, the flowers. I marvel at what a gift this evening is. My arm hangs out the window catching the wind and dancing to the beat of the music coming from my radio.

I start to think of all the wonderful blessings God has given me. I wonder "why me Lord"? There are so many I know who need and probably deserve blessings more than I do. But my heart fills with gratitude that can't be explained. Then a song comes on the radio and as I sing the words "I'm desperate for You" my heart is turned to heaven.

I cry because I'm so overwhelmed.

"This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me"

The words of the song fill me as I breathe in the fresh evening air. I fill my lungs as I rest in the assurance that God's spirit is living in me. I belong to Him.

"I'm desperate for You
I'm lost without You"

My soul is at peace as the song concludes. I'm content.

Putting God First - Shhhhh

2009-08-11T10:16:00.003-05:00

Have you ever been told a secret and then blabbed it to someone else? Have you ever shared your secret with someone and then found out that they told someone else? Remember the feelings from when that happened?

In the first situation there is something exciting about being able to tell someone something they didn't know. You can feel somewhat powerful. If you get away with it you might even think it did no harm. But we never "get away" with it, do we. God always knows. And what if it back fires and the person who trusted you found out what you did. AND then they confront you about it. Ever have that happen? Sadly I must confess I have. I still remember that feeling like it was yesterday. I never want to experience that again.

Then what about when you were the one who shared something and was betrayed by someone who didn't keep your secret. Remember those feelings. Quite different from the situation above. Hurt replaces shame. Anger replaces embarrassment. Sometimes friendships can be destroyed.

Mark 1:40-45
A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, "If you are willing, you can make me clean." Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cured. Jesus sent him away at once with a strong warning: "See that you don't tell this to anyone. But go, show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them." Instead he went out and began to talk freely, spreading the news.

There are a number of things that strike me about these Bible verses. However, the part that hits me the most is that Jesus instructed this man to NOT tell others about the healing that He did. But the man could not be silent. His life was changed forever as a result of God in Flesh touching him, having compassion on him and healing him. He knew this was a miracle and he knew that the man who performed it had told him to tell no one. Yet he told everyone who would listen. Jesus knew this would happen and yet used the situation to bring glory to God. He didn't strike the man dead or shame him, even though his telling others meant more crowds of people trying to find Jesus. No, Jesus forgives.

I think about this man who must have wondered if he told others about what Jesus did would Jesus make him sick again? Or maybe he never wondered that at all. Maybe he was just caught up in the moment. This secret was just too good to keep and so he risked it all and told everyone who would listen about this Jesus and what he had done. Why? Because his life was forever changed by this one encounter with the Son of God.

Today God continues to change lives and now He instructs (or is it a “strong warning”) us to go spread the Good News; but how often do we just stay silent. Interesting. When our lives our profoundly changed by God we might tell a person or two but rarely will someone in this culture tell "everyone" they meet. No, talking about God or what He has done in our lives is not politically correct so we risk nothing and stay silent. This must make God sad. This must speak to God's infinite patience with us. When he says "be silent" we talk, when he says "talk" we are silent. Hmmmm

Dear Heavenly Father,
Make me more like the man who had leprosy. Fan a flame of desire in me that is so strong I can't ignore it. Allow me to share what you have done in my life and may I never stay silent on it. You Lord God changed my life and my heart and it is with unending gratitude that I desire to serve you. May I never make you sad by missing an opportunity you give me to share what you've done with others. Open my eyes and my ears. Help me to focus on the true need that lies in each person you allow me to have contact with. As You had compassion on the outcasts of society may I also have compassion on those that our society considers of little or no value. Allow me to shine light in the darkness. Guide me in all wisdom and let my voice be heard. Not to bring me into the spotlight or on center stage Lord, but so that others will see past me directly to you. The only one who can change lives. Thank you God that you have called me to speak for those in the womb who cannot speak for themselves. Thank you God that you allow me the privilege of working with men and women who have been deeply hurt by abortion. Thank you that you provide those holy moments where I can see you changing a life that was once lost in darkness. Never let me forget how much you have done for me. AMEN

Putting God First - Wisdom

2009-07-29T08:47:00.004-05:00

James 3:17-18
“But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.” - NLT

Father God,
There is so much in your word about wisdom. I find I value it more with each passing day. In the verse above it states wisdom is “pure”. Help me this day to recognize when I believe I am being wise but it is not that pure wisdom that comes only from you. Dear Lord, I pray that you will guide so I may be peace loving, gentle, and “willing to yield”. These are not the things that come naturally for me. Show me this day opportunities to plant seeds of peace with anyone who is in need. Thank you Lord for putting wisdom within my reach and for loving me to the point of death on the cross. And Lord as I read this same verse from the Message I was not feeling so good as I recognized it as a mirror to my heart. Help me to value everyone you put in my life from my friends – to my husband – to the clerk in the store – to my church family. Thank you that you do not treat me as I deserve to be treated but that you treat me as I don’t deserve by granting forgiveness, salvation, and eternal life with you. AMEN

James 3:17-18 (The Message)
“Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.”

(originally written - May 19, 2009. No added commentary needed, God's word says it all!)

Putting God First - All Mighty

2009-07-28T11:02:00.003-05:00

Hebrews 6:10
“For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for Him and how you have shown your love to Him by caring for other believers, as you still do.”

One Sunday my pastor said an interesting thing in his sermon. He said “God is all mighty, He will not be put down by anybody, any business, or any country.” That is not an exact quote but it is what I heard. God is ALL mighty and as we serve Him we need to always remember that. He is bigger and stronger than anything we may be facing right now, no matter how impossible the situation may seem. God is bigger than work issues, than life issues, than death issues, than government issues. Do you believe that? If you do it should change how you approach everything in your life. The ministry I work in has many real enemies. People who hate us and what we do. People who want to destroy us. Really, that is not an exaggeration. But based on God being all mighty we...fear not.

The verse above reminded me of the high calling it is to work in ministry. God is not unjust. Think on that. God is NOT unjust. My enemies will have to stand before God some day just as I will. It is then and only then that I believe things of this earth that do not make sense to me will be made perfectly clear. Until that time; remain faithful, work hard, and love others as God first loved you.

Father God,
Thank you that you are not UNJUST. Thank you that you are ALL mighty. Thank you Lord that you will never forget how hard each of us works for you. Help me to always show how much I love you by caring for the other believers you put in my life. Help me to remember, as you do, how hard everyone is working for you. Help me to remember to say “thank you” more often. AMEN

(originally written May 18, 2009)

Where have I been?

2009-07-28T10:55:00.002-05:00

Wow. It's been along time since I've posted anything in this blog. Probably not a big deal since I might be the only one that reads is regularly (well me and my mom).

I've been busy, nothing new. I've also found a new outlet for writing and I think that might be why I haven't done much here.

Now moved into the new house and just a few days away from having cable (so we can watch tv again) and internet access (so I can keep up with blogging!).

My writing outlet has been an attempt at some daily devotionals I share with others where I serve God daily. I might pick a few of my favorites and start posting them here. I titled them "Putting God First" because in the ministry where I work we have to do that in order to survive. It has been sortof an awakening of my spirit, so to speak. It forces me to consider God first before I begin my day. I have found it to be encouraging. I hope if you read them you will find encouragement in them too.

Are you nuts?

2009-06-18T19:41:00.003-05:00

So maybe 5 years ago my husband said, "Let's sell the house and move into an apartment."

To which I responded, "ARE YOU NUTS?????"

2 years later he had convinced me that we would love being apartment dwellers again and so a few thousands dollars later (new windows, new siding, and other things that needed to be done to make the house "marketable") we said goodbye to the house we had lived in for 10 years.

Welcome apartment living! AWESOME! No yard to mow. Less expenses. No property taxes. Can I hear an AMEN? And on top of all that we have pool we don't have to maintain, a gym we don't have to pay dues for, and life is good.

A little over 2 years later my husband says, "I think we should buy a house again."

To which I respond, "ARE YOU NUTS????"

Is anyone else seeing a pattern here?

Think about it he says, "we only have a one car garage, we occasionally have very loud and drunk neighbors - remember when the police had to come?, our space is not a home we really can't do anything we want to it, we are at the beckon call of the landlord, rent keeps going up but nothing gets better because of it", etc.

So I call the real estate agent.

One year later we spend almost an hour in a bank signing the myriad of papers they put in front of us, write a big check, and walk out with a key that's retail value is about one dollar. I look at the key and think "wow, that is one expensive key".

We go to our new home and open the door and feel the joy of home ownership once again. Really, I guess it takes a while being away from it to appreciate it again. We reflect on all the tiny miracles that happened to get us to this point:
- Interest rates dropped
- Real estate dropped
- President Obama offered us $8,000 to be home owners once again (sold last home 3/16/06 - first time buyer tax credit applies if you have not owned a home in over 3 years, bought house today - 3/18/09 . Can someone say "hmmmm"?)
- Fears of major issues found at inspection turn out to be unfounded
- Just when we need it a guy pulls up at the house we are considering buying with a ladder in the back of his truck. Minutes after I said "wish we would have brought a ladder".

Well I guess some of these miracles aren't so tiny. But I wonder, will I miss being an apartment dweller and the freedom that affords?

NO!

God made sure of that. This week has been a nightmare and a HUGE reminder that we are just living in someone else's space and subject to their rule and dominion. A long story I could not due justice in this note but one that is worthy of telling.

Fire sprinklers in our building have been recalled. All of them must be replaced. We have to move EVERYTHING away from the sprinklers and EMPTY all closets that have one in them. That is just about every room and closet in our little dwelling. So Sunday evening is spent moving everything we can out of closets and against walls. Moving furniture so it isn't under sprinklers and then Monday morning all the cloths are carefully taken out of closets, laid on the bed and covered with blankets. The last item has to undone at night since we must sleep on that bed and the next morning the ritual is repeated. For THREE days! That was Monday. Tomorrow is Friday and I have to do it all again. They didn't show on Monday. We were told they will start Wednesday. They didn't show on Wednesday. We were told they will start on Thursday. They did show today so this evening is spent getting exercise bending over picking up thousands of tiny pieces of orange plastic that flies all over the place when you remove fire sprinklers. Something I didn't know before and could have died happy not knowing it. Maybe they will finish tomorrow, who knows.

So I consider it a gift from God - a new house - with a bow on top - a reminder of why I don't want to live in an apartment any more.

Well at least not until my husband says, "Honey....."

Thinking again

2009-06-04T19:12:00.002-05:00

So I was driving home and this man on a bicycle was riding like he was in a car. Just using whatever lane he wanted and going all over the road. Common in other countries but so much here.

He decided he wanted to turn left at an intersection and right as he got to it the light turned RED! I didn't think he would stop and prepared myself to watch him get hit by a car. He stopped. Phew.

The incident reminded me of a time in Florida when I witnessed a not so smart person on a motorcycle do something stupid while trying to show off. BAM, right into the back of an SUV. It was horrible to witness and I cried. I think I might have even let out a little scream.

This is when I started thinking about all the times I have screamed because something startled me, shocked me, angered me, or just surprised me in such a way that an uninvited, unexpected, unpremeditated SCREAM came out.

I began to wonder if God screams. After all we are made in his image and these times when I've screamed for these types of situations seem to just happen. Like instinct or something. Like something designed into my being for some unknown reason. So, I ask you, does God scream?

If He does. What would cause Him to scream. What horror or injustice would be so terrible that God would just scream? Nothing surprises Him so I know that would never be the cause. No, I guess as I think about it God would never scream. Not in the sense I do.

But He does cry. What makes God cry?

Think about it.

3AM

2009-05-29T10:36:00.003-05:00

"I saw 3 AM again" is part of a line in a song I hear on the radio now and then. It speaks to seeing it for all the wrong reasons.

Well, last night I saw 2AM, 3AM, and 4AM. Not sure why I couldn't sleep because I was dead tired. I did have an incredibly terrible headache during the day but I don't think that is what kept me awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night.

I laid there thinking about how many people would be distraught if they were awake at that hour for that amount of time. But for some reason I enjoyed the fact that I didn't have do anything, or be anywhere, or even move if I didn't want to. I didn't spend the time thinking about that day or tomorrow or all the things there are to do. No I just enjoyed doing nothing. I wasn't even angry that I couldn't fall back to sleep.

Those are typically the times when I pray and seek God. I did a bit of that but then I heard my husband's rhythmic breathing next to me. I just listened as he would breathe in and then out. I remembered back to the first time a met him. It was a blind date and there were two things that stood out in my mind from that first encounter. One was how incredibly sweet he was and the other was how safe I felt when he held my hand. Even at that moment when he would still be considered a stranger.

Then I remembered our first apartment we had together. Over 30 years ago and in my minds eye I could see him, a 20-something young man, who was so devoted and looked at me as if I were the only woman he had ever seen. I remembered to earlier in the evening when he was caring for me with my headache. The face, hair, and body of this man may have aged over the years but that look is still in his eyes. To be so loved is a gift that nothing can compare to.

Again, I hear his breathing. I look at the clock and see it is 3:30AM. I realize that in less 2 hours his alarm will go off and a new day will begin. I think to myself that maybe I had better try to fall asleep. Before sleep comes I enjoy 30 more minutes of doing nothing.

What IS heaven?

2009-05-03T20:14:00.004-05:00

So I asked her, "where do you think you will go after you die?"

The answer surprisingly was one I've heard before. She said, "to a place where everyone goes after they die". She went on to explain that there is no heaven or hell or purgatory or "any of that stuff". That everyone goes to the same place and they all live together there forever.

"Is God there?", I asked. She wasn't sure but she knew there was a God. So I asked, "Will Hitler be in the same place you will be?"

She thought for a very long time before answering that one. She wasn't sure but it seemed she needed to say yes because if she didn't then she knew that what she said earlier would have no meaning. So she said, "Yes, but he will be farther away in this place from where I will be. But it will still be the same place. It is hard to explain."

Where did she get this understanding? She wasn't sure. She just "knows it". She doesn't believe what her mother believes and she doesn't believe what the church she has gone to teaches. She has heard about Jesus Christ and said she understands God sent him and that he died on a cross.

What she didn't know is that Jesus is God and that He gave up heaven to come to earth. Gave up everything so He could be human and live among us. He did this so we once again could be united with our Creator. We talked about being created and what that means. We talked about how much God loves us and that Jesus came so we could be saved. I shared how Jesus died not because He sinned...but because we do. I shared with her my own path of sin and learning about God. I shared with her how once I too was confused and unsure about what would happen after I died.

She listened and wondered what was true. What she made up or what I was sharing. So I told her that the truth she seeks can be found. That God gave us the truth by putting it in the written word that we call the Bible. I shared that there is so much evidence that proves the Bible to be true and reliable and it can be validated.

I could tell that she was overwhelmed and had no interest in researching these things on her own. She has heard so many "stories" during her lifetime and has never investigated or researched any of what she believes to be true. No, it is easier to believe just because it sounds good to her. If she thinks it is true that is enough. She doesn't have to be able to prove it or justify it to anyone.

But she still has so many questions and no answers for them based on the theology she has created. This conversation did not happen in a country where the Gospel is not available. No it happened here in the middle of the USA.

As I reflect back on the conversation I had with the woman I realize that when we seek God on our own we often do not find Him, we tend to create him in our image. No, it is God who first seeks us. It is God who leads us to truth. Not because of who we are or how good we are or who we might become. Just because of how much He loves us. So much that He sent His one and only Son to die for us. God knew that left on our own we would stay lost.

But that does not mean we don't have free will to reject the gift that He has given us. The woman I spoke with is now faced with that choice. Accept what is true and grow in the wisdom of the Lord or refuse the truth and spend eternity without Him. I once read that hell is not hell because of the heat or the fire or the punishment. Hell is hell because of the absence of God. I can't imagine life here or in eternity without God, that would be hell. Heaven is being in God's presence forever. I pray she finds the Truth she is seeking. I pray He uses the words I shared to direct her on to the narrow path that leads to Him. I pray God allows me to share the Good News about Him with many others in my community who still don't know the Truth.

AMEN

Proverbs 14:12 - There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.
John 3:16 - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 14:16 - Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me."

Dignity and Infinite Mercy

2009-05-01T21:26:00.003-05:00

My in-laws have found what we were praying for. Gary's brother Steve and his wife Mary have turned their world and their home upside down in order to care for them.

This week dad was released from the rehab center and Steve and Mary brought him and mom home to live with them. They both know this will be a road filled with many difficulties but as Steve said, "it will all be worth it to have even one chance to see dad smile again."

I looked back at an earlier post and was reminded that when I had no words to pray for Gary's dad all I could ask God for was to bring him a little dignity. I also requested that God would show them both infinite mercy. Both of those requests were answered beyond anything I could have imagined.

I spoke with Gary's mom the evening of the big move to their new home and she said dad woke up that morning full of joy, excitement, and humor. He wouldn't stop talking and was making everyone in the rehab center laugh. Now that's the Eugene Clayton Gosa we all know and love.

May God grant him many moments of joy, humor, and smiles for whatever days he is given.
May God give him and mom quiet moments together that only they can truly cherish.
And May God bless Steve and Mary in ways they could never imagine for putting their love to action that requires great sacrifice.

I am overwhelmed. Our God IS and awesome God.

To do or not to do

2009-04-16T19:13:00.005-05:00

Faced with a dilemma, what is right?
I wonder do I act, or just hold tight?
Godly wisdom is all I seek.
The answer is not the one I need.

"To do" that's the way I'm lead.
When "not to do" was in my head.
I fight the urge but God wins out.
Now I'm filled with lots of doubt.

Why me Lord? Ask someone else today.
But His answer is clear and so I obey.
My task now done it hurt to do.
No glory for me, I turn to You.

God be honored use this for good.
Released to you - its all soul food.
Trust the Lord with eternity.
These are the things I pray for me.

The dream

2009-04-13T19:12:00.002-05:00

So I lost my voice and found out how much I need something that I take for granted. Then that night I had this dream.

I can't remember most of it. But I remember the lesson. I was wandering around this city with my family (husband and kids) when everything started to change and get complicated. One by one my family left me. They said they would be back but never did return. I had a purse and other things but someone robbed me and took it all. Except for one dollar. They told me to leave and so I just started wandering around. I was crying and frightened. All I had was the cloths I was wearing and that one dollar bill. Everything important to me was gone. Somehow I knew it was God who took it all. It was so difficult to comprehend what I was feeling at that moment but I guess helplessness comes to mind.

I woke up still uneasy about the dream. I thought that maybe is was due to having lost my voice. But I found that over the next few days I would often reflect back on this dream and the feelings I had during it. Feelings that are difficult to find words to express. Someone who once had it all and now had nothing could probably understand what it felt like. I'm sure that Job from the Bible knew.

The next three days were spent in the rehab center with my in-laws. My father-in-law is 88 and has many health issues. Day one was hard as he was so drugged up he didn't even know who we were. Day two we had them reduce the pain meds and he was only slightly better. I think he knew we were there but communicating with us was not possible. He also was unable to remain awake or complete a sentence. At the end of day we (the family) said to take him off all the narcotics he was on since we didn't even recognize him anymore. Day three we could see signs of his personality coming back to us. He will most likely never go back home to his apartment. He will need medical care for whatever remaining days God gives him.

As I watched him I reflected on the long life this man has had. I remember that he served in WWII, skiing the border of Alaska - protected America. Frost bite and the cold took its toll on this man but he survived and returned home to get a job, a wife, and raise of family of five. For decades he worked in a factory job that also took its toll on his body. Now at the age of 88 he sits in this wheelchair unable to lift his head from the slumped over position we are getting used to seeing.

Simple tasks are no longer possible for him. He has had everything taken away from him. He can't walk, he needs help to eat, he can't focus on things, even simple tasks like blowing his nose are challenging. And when he looks at his wife of over 60 years you can see the sadness in his eyes as you realize that he understands his condition and knows he will always need someones help to eat. Quietly he whispers to her "I'm tired." Again and again I hear him whisper this to her. He doesn't mean physically tired even though that small sentence took a lot of energy for him to say. He has been battling strong and hard for over 10 years now. A constant war with pain that he may not have the ability to keep fighting.

My heart hurts as I hold back tears and wish growing old didn't have to include these types of difficulties. Yet, I walk the halls of the rehab center and see many many elderly men and women all fighting their own private war. I realize that the feelings I can't find words to express from my dream may slightly be what my father-in-law is feeling. He tries to express it at times but he is from a generation where men did not show weakness.

We watch as the physical therapist pushes him to but one cup on another. A small task but we celebrate when he accomplishes it. He looks over at us and you know that he knows how embarassing this is. And it is only one of the minor things that causes him embarassment these days. I wonder what he is thinking. Is he thinking that you celebrate when a 3 year old places cups in the right order and can stack them one on the other, not 88 year old men?

He looks at his wife, she looks back, and the words that are unsaid between the two of them could fill an entire novel. Again, I want to cry but I know if I do he will know that I know too much; so I hold my tears and wait until later when I am alone. I pray and am not sure what to even ask for so I ask for nothing.

Later it comes to me and I ask God to please find a way, any way, to give this dignified man some sense of dignity. It doesn't seem like much to ask for but it does seem like it is something only God could provide him at this point.

I'm left to wonder if the loss of my voice and the dream from the other night were gifts to me so that I would observe more and be more in tune to what my in-laws might be going through. I'm sure that when they were in their 20's and newly married they had dreams for their old age that didn't include what they are now living. My dream was just that, a dream. What I felt as a result of that dream was just a tiny sampling of what they must be experiencing and feeling.

My voice is back now, not fully normal but on its way to being what it once was. Their lives will never be the same again. Dear Heavenly Father, please show them Your infinite mercy. AMEN

Mute

2009-04-12T20:19:00.002-05:00

They say "you don't know what you have until it is gone". Gone is my voice, my friend, my ability to share all the many words that show up in my head. It's been 14 hours since I woke up and found out that my vocal cords had decided to take some time off. Vacation? I don't know. It has been a long day without the ability to communicate with language.

There are some noises that still come out. When I cough for instance. Ironically I found that I can still say "shhhhh" which doesn't come in handy too much. I had no idea how much I have to say. It is when you can't talk that you find out how much you really wish you could talk.

It reminded me of a recent meeting I had with a person who is in a world of hurt. She is heartbroken and there is very little comfort that I had for her. Her pain is deep and the wound is at the soul level. She knows God exists but has no interest in discussing matters of the soul. So we talked and stayed at the surface level. I prayed as we spoke and asked God for wisdom on how to share Him with her. Each time I spoke of God it was almost as if you could see the words fall from my mouth right to the floor.

She didn't seem to even hear them and had ignored each opening I offered. All I could think was that I was holding this incredible treasure in my hands, right in front of her, and she could see it but did not want it. It was as if she saw it but decided there might be something better out there and if she took it she might miss a better treasure that might exist somewhere. All the time I'm thinking, "THIS IS IT! This is THE treasure you are looking for. All you have to do is accept it." But she passed on it and left.

Back to my inability to speak. There are these precious thoughts in my head, pearls of wisdom, and yet they are trapped there and I can't share them. Sometimes I can manage a few words but they come out in an almost inaudible whisper. My sweet husband works hard to hear and understand what I need. I try to remember some of the sign language I learned years ago but why. No one around me will understand the signs. I manage to say "thank you" in sign language to a kind waitress and I think she maybe knew what I was saying. This small recognition from a stranger gives me a little hope.

So I drive the car for nine hours without being able to yell when someone cuts me off. Without being able to have a conversation with my husband. Without being able to sing out loud to my favorite songs. It was a very long trip. We arrive in WI to see family. We are at the rehab center and I can't even say "hi" to my dear father-in-law who may be in the last few days of his life. My heart hurts as I can't answer the many questions family ask, "how are the kids?", "how is your precious grandchild?", and even "are you okay?".

No I am silent and listen as my husband explains I can't talk and answers the questions in words I wouldn't have used. I am sad and think about my good friend Kiersten. I see her in my minds eye looking right at me, putting a finger to her lips and saying "hmmmm".

I know that that means. That is always her way of saying, "wonder what God is teaching you here". Which I have now been asking myself for 14 hours and have found no answer. The Bible verse "be still and know that I am God" comes to mind. Well perhaps being silent is not the same as being still. Actually I would have to say it absolutely is not the same thing.

Soon I will going to bed. I wonder if speech will return to me in the morning. I pray it will.

Written Thursday evening 4/9/09

The Tree - Easter 2009

2009-04-03T21:25:00.004-05:00

The tree, the tree, the mysterious tree.

What does it hold for you and me?

Was Christ nailed there or just a man?

Just history or the Master's plan?

How could a tree hold such pain?

Why would God die for other's shame?

That tree, that tree, that blood stained tree.

Why would He die for you and me?

Christ left heaven and all it holds.

Left the crystal sea and streets of gold.

Heaven with angels all around.

Gone now, Christ is earthly bound.

That tree, that tree, that infamous tree.

Held our Lord for all to see.

Pain and death, they hung Him there.

Soldiers watched, didn't care.

Yet, Christ chose to stay upon that cross.

Chose to suffer and die for the lost.

Nailed to that tree is where he died.

Had power to leave but never tried.

That tree, that tree, that eternal tree.

Twas love that held him to that tree.

The tree, the tree, that wonderful tree.

Attacked for doing good...

2009-03-31T10:41:00.002-05:00

Pregnancy center work is interesting and NEVER dull. Not only do we help families facing crisis we do it under attack from others. You wouldn't think that there are those in our country that want to attack us but there are. It doesn't make sense that people would publicly state that helping women facing unintended pregnancies should be stopped. But it is happening and is about to happen on a grander scale.

Recently I attended a conference preparing us for the coming attacks that are scheduled for this year. You might think this would be scary but really it just causes me great sadness. They believe the lies they spread, and others who do not know any different will believe them too.

On Friday, February 27, 2009 Mary B. Worthington wrote an article in The Bulletin (http://thebulletin.us/articles/2009/02/27/top_stories/doc49a7d5f33eb8a931983371.txt) that states:
"In an e-mail sent to college activists, the Feminist Majority Foundation’s Campus Program announced a nationwide protest against pregnancy care centers that provide free aid and abortion alternatives for women." This protest is scheduled for Monday April 13th.

I went to the FMF's website and read some of the material they have there. Here is one paragraph of what I found: "In reality, many of these centers attempt to coerce and intimidate women out of considering abortion as an option, and prevent women from receiving neutral and comprehensive medical advice. They are typically run by anti-abortion volunteers who are not licensed medical professionals. Crisis pregnancy centers also often spread false information, such as the disproved and discredited claims that abortions increase the risk of breast cancer and frequently cause mental trauma."

Sounds convincing doesn't it. With over 2,500 pregnancy centers in our country I can't state that there isn't one out there that hasn't used the best methods to serve the women they meet. I can only share that at the center I'm involved in (and many others I've personally visited) the goal is to love her, respect her, never judge her, and give her all the information she needs to make an informed decision. We are Christian and life-affirming and we do NOT hide that fact from them. We also will NOT profit from their decision putting us in a unique position to offer them honest information on all their "choices". We have a licensed nurse on staff and a licensed medical director with years of ob/gyn experience. And I could go on but I figure anyone who has read this note this far is someone who already knows that.

So why post this? So you can be prepared to be an advocate to others who don't know the truth about pregnancy centers. Know that attacks are coming, planned, and will be specific. Someone you know will believe what they hear or read in the media. Be ready, we NEED you!

In a recent survey 80% of women who had an abortion at a clinic that states it is pro-choice said they were never given another choice. No one educated them on parenting as an option or on adoption. 80% were never given resources that exist right in their own community. Those same women also stated that had they known there was support somewhere ("anywhere"), they would have made a different choice. I believe that statistic because when we fully educate the women we see, over 80% of them decide it is in their best interest to continue their pregnancies.

What are those opposed to pregnancy centers really afraid of? Is it who we are or what we do or is it perhaps that we are making a difference in their bottom line?

So here we sit in this "he said, she said" mentality. Each side claiming the other side lies and uses deceptive practices. In these moments I am glad I'm intimately involved in this work so I can see and recognize truth. But to end where I started, I am also deeply saddened that there are individuals out there who want to close down pregnancy centers, believing we are harming women. Deeply saddened. :(

And I ask for prayers of protection for pregnancy centers all over our country. And pray for those that may not be doing everything in the most appropriate manner. Pray God brings to them volunteers and individuals to guide them and help them. But most importantly pray for the women who might get caught in this crossfire. Pray they are led to a place of truth and that their fears can be conquered and that their needs will be met. Pray if they are Christian they will rely on the ONE who can help them. Pray if they are not Christian that God will direct their hearts to Him. The only One who can give them the truth they really need. For this I will NOT apologize, and if I am accused of sharing Christ with someone then I stand ready to face that accusation. AMEN

How uuuuu doin'?

2009-03-13T14:01:00.004-05:00

So I get asked this question a lot. Most of the time it is just a form of saying hi. But there are a few people who, when they ask, you know they are really looking for you to answer it. Well, just yesterday someone asked me "How are you doing?" and I replied that I'd have to think about how to best answer that question.

I thought and thought and here is what I came up with:

Have you seen pictures of that new tourist attraction over the Grand Canyon? It's a glass (floor and all) walkway shaped like a horseshoe and it goes straight out over the Grand Canyon.

I picture myself there. I'm the only tourist around. The walkway is completely glass, no support beams at all. I'm standing right at the edge of solid ground about to walk out on it when I just stop and look around. The beauty is breathtaking. I almost feel like falling on my knees to praise God for his handiwork when I realize how immaculate the glass walkway is. Really! It almost looks invisible because it is so perfectly clean and free of any cracks at all. I think to myself, "how'd they do that?" but don't really seek an answer to the question.

I decide it is time to walk out on the glass when an employee tells me to have a good time and adds almost as an after thought, "Oh, by they way, not all the glass panes might be in place."

Now, a sane person would probably stop and say "WHAT???"; I however decide to go for the walk. Each time I put my foot down I don't know if it will land on solid glass or thin air. Will I survive to take another step or plummet to my death?

That's how I'm doing.

I shared this word picture with my husband when he asked that same question. He is one of those in my life that really wants an answer when he asks it. After I told him how I was doing he looked at me and with a slight little grin said, "Put some pebbles in your pocket and toss them out in front of you before you take the next step."

What a guy! And, what wisdom! May your day be filled with adventure and challenges. May you not be given more than you can handle. And if you are, may you have pebbles in your pocket to keep you safe. :)

Grand Canyon Skywalk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvzlZuWrJNw

The enemy within

2009-03-03T14:32:00.002-06:00

What is this melancholy mood that has taken over me? Where did it bubble up from? Why can't I focus on the work in front of me?

It was sudden and unexpected. I went to lunch with some old friends and had a great time. Gone for a little over an hour I come back to my desk with more on it than when I left. The red message light on my phone annoys me and I can't seem to find the energy to read the many unread emails in my inbox.

I think of all there is to do and am frozen by the vast amount of work that exists. What is first? What is second? What is last? Last is the most important because I know I will never get to it.

But that isn't where this sadness is from. I go to the internet to listen to my favorite Christian radio station and I can't "connect". The "server is busy, try again later". LATER? But I need it now. I try my second favorite radio station and the website so complicated that I get sick of following the instructions that say "click here to listen online".

What is this consuming desire to hear Christian music? It stems for this deep need that took over my day to be near to God. But why and why so suddenly? I have this overwhelming need to walk out the front door and just keep walking. But where would I go? Then I remember being at the hospital last week and hearing the desperate cry of a mom whose only child was dying. She said she just felt like running away. She just felt like she needed to run and run and run. No plan, no direction, just run. I remember hearing a another woman express this feeling the same way when she was going through an impossible situation. But why do I feel like this right now? Are the events of the past week catching up to me?

I don't know but my phone rang and reality hits hard. This short introspective break must end. Duty calls.

Don't cry for me

2009-02-28T15:23:00.007-06:00

It typically isn't good when the caller on the other end of the phone line is crying before you even say "hello."

This call was no exception to that rule. The young single mom called to ask for prayer. The day before, her 2 year old had a terrible accident and she was at the hospital with him. His condition was critical and the prognosis was grim. The next three days were a blur of emotions and ceaseless prayer as everyone was praying for a "Lazarus size" miracle for this little boy. I remembered this mom sharing her story about the difficult pregnancy she had with him. She was gravely ill and almost lost her own life. Medical personnel suggested she terminate the pregnancy due to their concern for her health. She said she just couldn't do that and continued the pregnancy despite the risks. Her son was born, and up until a few days ago, had been healthy.

Now he lay in intensive care. His tiny two year old body hooked up to more things than one can imagine. Constant care given by the medical personnel who skillfully watched over him. Every conversation with mom included her saying, "I'll never give up hope. I know God can do a miracle. I can't leave him. I can't bear the thought of leaving this hospital without him." She prayed and begged God to bring him back. She said "Take my legs, my arms, anything, just don't take him." Again, others witness the depth of her love for her son.

Test after test brought back more bad news. Occasionally there was a small sign that maybe he would come back to her. Hundreds, if not, thousands of people were praying for him all over the world. But it was not meant to be. Stopping in to visit her, and bring mom some items she needed, I expected it to be just like the other visits. But as I approached she said "he's gone". I held her as she cried. Then after a short while I left as "they" (nurses and doctors) were waiting for her. "There were so many things to be done."

I went down to the lobby and made a few calls. I sat in a lobby chair by the window and realized I didn't know what to do. Leaving somehow felt so final. So I just sat there and quietly cried for about an hour. On the drive home I thought about the emotions over the past three and half days. I silently worry if mom will make it through this. I can not even begin to imagine the depth of her grief.

As I drove I thought about all the people that had been praying for her little boy. Then I noticed a car in front of me with a bumper sticker that read: "Keep abortion legal". It was old and faded, revealing the fact that it had been on the car for a long time. I wondered if the owner of that bumper sticker would have been pulling for this two year old to make it or not. After all, his mom was young, single, and often had difficult struggles. Would that person had seen him as a burden? Having known this little boy his entire life, even when he was living in his mother's womb, I just can't imagine the world without him. Then or now.

And it was in that moment that I remembered having read that we average 3,600 abortions a day in the U.S.

I did the math. For the 3.5 days this precious little one had been in the hospital struggling to live; 12,600 other babies died before they even had a chance to be born. Watching this mom carry a grief that is unbearable for her son, I began to also cry for all those babies that died during the week through the hands of an abortionist. I wondered when and if their moms would one day grieve their loss. Some will. Some may not be able to deal with it and may fall victim to suicide. And what about a country that allows innocent lives to die without even a thought of who they might have been? 3,600 A DAY! Dead.

It seems to me that God has put governments and authorities in place to protect the people. All of them. Especially the weak and defenseless. Will God continue to bless a country or a government if that country/government will not even attempt to protect all its citizens? Or are we not citizens of this country if we have not moved a few inches down the birth canal yet? Do we not count because while in the womb we do not have a voice? Then when and where does that logic stop?

Think about this: if you sit down with a 5 year old, or a 10 year old for that matter, and explain to them how babies begin; how they grow in their mother's womb for 9 months before they are born. Then you tell that child that if the baby's mother wants to she can prevent the baby from ever being born. And you share with the child the process involved to make sure the baby is not born. (Most adults refuse to listen to exactly what has to be done during an abortion procedure.) That child will be horrified. They would not see the logic in what they just heard. Maybe because their isn't any. I don't want to downplay the difficult challenges there are in unplanned pregnancies, this post is not about that. No, I know that there are some who will read this who believe abortion should be legal. What I want to do with this is post is to challenge that notion. Why should it be legal?

Why should we ignore the fact of "what" is really in the womb? What are we teaching each new generation? That motherhood is disposable? That motherhood is not to be valued, well at least not all the time? That the person in the womb really isn't a person? Really? There is NO medical or scientific evidence to prove that. Wake up America. Please, before it's too late. Wake up America and research the abortion industry. Abortions range from $400 to $3,000. There are 1.2 million abortions a year. You do the math. (Side note: abortionists require payment in advance.) Follow the money and you will begin to see why so many want to ensure abortion on demand through the entire 9 months of pregnancy is protected, while life in the womb is NOT.

Stop talking to me about the rare and very sad cases of rape and incest. Stop talking to me about even rarer times when a woman's life is in danger. Stop talking to me about how you believe abortion should never be used as a form a birth control. Wake up America!!! Abortion is always birth control. The only thing abortion is designed to do is to prevent a live birth. That's it.

I will always remember the example that the mom above is to all of us. Moms are uniquely designed by their Creator to protect their children, at all costs. Moms are not meant to outlive them. I pray that I will never live longer than my children or my grandchildren. I pray that God will hold the heart of this mom who lost her son in the palm of His hands and walk closely with her as she walks in the valley of the death of her son. And I pray she will again someday find a reason to live.

Don't cry for me, I'm no longer here.
Cry for my mother who still needs me near.

Don't cry for me, I'm where angels fly.
Cry for my country, where so many babies die.

Don't cry for me, for I have been loved.
Cry for the ones that die unloved.

Don't cry for me, my death had no cost.
Cry for our land where motherhood's lost.

Don't cry for me, weep for the others.
Cry for their fathers, cry for their mothers.

Cry for a country where babies are discarded.
Cry that our laws will protect the downhearted.

And when the cryings all done then look to the Lord.
Ask, "what can I do?" and go change the world!

"For I created your inmost being;
I knit you together in your mother's womb." - GOD

Post about nothing

2009-02-07T09:37:00.003-06:00

I really feel like posting in my blog this morning but don't feel like I have anything of value to say today.

My poor husband. Imagine how he must feel since he will have to spend the entire day with me in this mood of nothing of value to say but still the desire to talk. I remember a family vacation as a child. It was an 8 hour trip and when we got there my mom said quietly to my dad, "Thank goodness we're here, she didn't shut up once the entire time."

That's the mood I'm in.

I did a Bible study recently that included journaling and was required to write in my journal for 20 minutes without stopping to think about what I was writing. At first it was hard but once I started it was like thoughts just kept pouring out. Some of them really surprised me. I had no idea that so many thoughts just float around in my head creeping into my personality that I don't really think about or invite into the process.

I little scary if you ask me. But taking that time to write that way helped me to consider the things I think about. To identify them and to let them out. I'd encourage others to try this. You might be surprised by what you find.

Lions

2009-01-26T20:32:00.008-06:00

I expect that some will read this post and just walk away scratching their heads. I have even thought about not posting this entry and just keeping it in my head. But it won't let me go, so...I feel compelled to let it go.

Today was one of those red letter days that can only happen when you work full-time in a pregnancy center. It never escapes my notice that this is a ministry of high highs and low lows. I guess when you stand in the gap between life and death you should expect there to be some bumps in the road. I do know that some don't view this work as standing in the gap between life and death. No they view it as the gap between a woman's right to do what she wants with her body and other people trying to get in her business. Sometimes I tire of that debate. For me, it is life or death. That's it. Not that that makes it simple, the issues that bring women to our center are never simple. But inside her womb is life and it will either be allowed to continue or it will not.

As a Christian I understand that God is the author of life and that there is an enemy that is against anything God is for. So for me I understand that there is a spiritual battle to this work. The Bible is not silent on this topic. Today something happened that made that part of the fight far to real.

I left early due to some errands I had to run but couldn't shake the events of the day. I called a dear friend who stopped what she was doing and prayed for me as I drove to my first stop. As she prayed I reflected on the evil I had felt earlier and she prayed about satan being a gnat in my ear trying to distract and all I could think of was this is no tiny gnat. It felt like a lion, and the Bible verse that speaks of satan being like a lion roaming the earth seeking who he can devour began to come to my mind. At the same time my thoughts turn to Aslan of Narnia. It was just a few seconds after these thoughts that I heard my friend's voice on the phone include in her prayer Aslan and Lucy (she does great word pictures). It was about this time that I arrived at my first stop and was able to park my car. I allowed my friend's prayer to wash over me with truth and calm yet it was hard to ignore the darkness of the day.

We said Amen and then goodbye and I thanked this dear sister in the Lord for her time and prayer. I went into the store and it felt like I had walked right into the arms of God. It was a Christian Bookstore and every sight and every sound reminded me of my Lord. Then as I walked by an end-cap I noticed a book with a picture of Aslan from Narnia on it. My soul smiled even if I couldn't.

Back in my car the image of satan prowling the earth like a lion came back to my mind. But this time the lion came face to face with another Lion. The two stared into each others eyes and they looked almost identical. Then the Lion roared. If it were real I imagined it would be a roar so loud that my ears would ring for hours or maybe even cause me to go deaf. While the Lion roared the other lion suddenly looked completely different. It was smaller and weak, skin and bones, no fight in him, he just hung his head and looked pathetic.

I am strengthened by the prayer of a dear friend and the thought of my God standing in the gap with me. The Lion of Judah. The song I've heard so many times surrounds me with great comfort in this moment, "If my God is for me, who can be against me."

I will get up tomorrow and walk by faith that God will equip me for the battle; whatever that might be. That nothing escapes His notice or happens without His knowledge. And that it is God who has placed me in this fight; to stand for truth, to love those many would not, to cry when tears are all there are, and to protect the most unprotected people group in this nation - the unborn.

Evacuation Update

2009-01-03T16:53:00.003-06:00

Well we went back to Town Center and learned that there was a bomb threat yesterday when we were there which is why they made us all leave. So I guess going to the parking lot and not staying close to the buildings was the best thing to do.

The good news is I got those black pants I wanted! And even more stuff as many of the stores had really good clearance sales going on. Especially NY&C! Very good deals there! Wow, like things were $3.99 and up. Then there were a few stores that are "closing" so I had check out the deals in those stores too.

Needless to say Gary came back home very tired following me around and had to take a nap. I went back out and shopped at Target where I found even more good sales. I'd love to tell you I saved a lot of money today, which I did, but I also spent money. How's that saying go "you have to spend money to save money"? Hee hee.

EMERGENCY EVACUATION!

2009-01-02T17:49:00.002-06:00

So Gary and I are having a good time shopping at a center we seldom go to. Town Center is a good outdoor shopping mall but for some reason we don't go there often even though it is closest to our home.

Today we were finding GREAT bargains and I was very excited because we had just gotten to a store where I had hope I might find nice black dress pants that actually fit. AND they were on sale! I was about to go in the dressing room when I noticed someone walking around store telling people to leave. I thought it was a customer at first and then she said "This is an emergency evacuation. Everyone MUST leave RIGHT now. The entire mall is being evacuated and you have to leave now."

Quickly I found my husband, put down the pants I had hoped to try on, and we headed to the front door with the dozens of other shoppers in this store. As we waited to get out I wondered what the "emergency" was. Was it safe to go out into the parking lot not knowing what was going on? I had no idea but we were given no other choice.

So we headed out and immediately saw that many other stores must have told their shoppers to leave before our store did. The parking lot was grid locked. I was glad to see no one panicking but I still had no idea if there was danger anywhere and what was the best thing to do? Should we walk out away from the building and cross the parking lot to get to our car? Should we stay close to the buildings? Where was the danger? What was the danger?

We chose to move away from the building in case there was a gunman or a bomb threat. We felt we had more choices if we needed to move fast. Looking down the lot in the opposite direction of where we were headed we could see lots of emergency vehicles but they were too far away for us to guess what might be the problem.

We got to our car and fortunately I knew my way around the parking lot and we left quickly and without incident. But I'm still left wondering what the emergency was and was sending us to the parking lot the right thing to do? I may never find out.

Or maybe I will when I go back tomorrow to try on those pants!!!!!

New Year's R________

2009-01-01T15:38:00.003-06:00

Okay, so I'm not real big on resolutions. Mostly because it has become so commercialized. But every year I do tend to have a theme. One that I hope promotes growth and knowledge and some years it is just for fun. This year Gary and I have said that we are resolved to cook more at home and even try to cook one new meal a week, something we haven't made before.

Last year my theme was to understand more deeply what it means to be fully surrendered to God. I sang the song "I surrender all" and I began to wonder what exactly am I committing to. I knew I was singing the words with all my heart but I wasn't sure I fully understood what it was I was offering to the Lord. Let me tell you this was not an easy year for learning this lesson and it took me down a path I was not expecting.

What God taught me or reminded me was that to be fully surrendered to Him meant that I needed to be fully vulnerable to Him. And these are not lessons I learn easily so there were some tough ones over the past twelve months. I did my best to endure through the lessons and found that as I allowed myself to be fully vulnerable to God that there was a new dependence on Him that resulted. And in those deep moments of udder dependence I learned a new level of trusting Him to use it all for His glory. Some endings to these lessons are not known yet but I am trusting that God is in control of it all. And I understand better that through my giving up of my control over things and giving it to God that I grow closer to surrendering it all to Him. Besides, it all really belongs to Him anyways.

I'm glad 2008 is over and as I began to wonder what my theme for 2009 would be I must admit I was a bit scared. Then I noticed a theme beginning to develop in December and now I know what my area of concentration for 2009 will be. A few years back I journaled all year with the first sentence being "A saw God today". Well, this year I plan to do that same thing only the first sentence for each journal entry will begin with "I experienced God today when...".

Today during my quiet time and time for reflection I wondered what God will show me in 2009. I picked up an old book that I read every once in a while about strong women with tender hearts. I come from generations of strong women and for the longest time I never saw past their strength to the tenderness of their hearts. Anyway, in the book it talked about our walk with the Lord and I began to think about the fact that with my current heel issues I won't be having my walks with God like I had in the past.

Then I thought that perhaps this is a blessing and part of my journey. God wants to show me those special times are not reserved for those few moments out on the path during a long walk. No, that is kind of like saying I go to church on Sunday and then never spend anytime praying or in His word the rest of the week. I need to learn to experience God all the time, not just during "my" walks. He walks with me even when I forget He is there.

So perhaps this year my blog entries will have bits and pieces about this year's theme as I am open to what God wants me to experience in 2009. I pray you too will consider how God plans to grow, teach, and change you in the coming year. Through good times and bad times. Through trials and through victories. Look for the Lord in all you do, He is there.

God even gave me a jump start last month when I got to hold my grandson in my arms. I thought about how unique this little person is and how God planned for him to be born now to the parents God specifically chose for him. He, Linus Clayton Gosa, never existed before in all of human history and will never exist again. This is it, this is the time God planned for him. I thought about the family legacies that he comes from. Gary and I spent time thinking about Linus and his parents and his grandparents and his great-grandparents and knew that God has a plan and a purpose for his life. We knew that all these things weave together to make him unique and special. Special to us and special to God.We shared with Kevin and Laura the things God put on our hearts and together we prayed for Linus and I knew we experienced a special moment in the presence of God.

The night before we left I held Linus in my arms with Gary right next to me and thought about how much we loved him. I thought about how I would do anything for this little guy, including give my life to protect him. And I looked at my husband and knew he felt the same way. Then I whispered in my husbands ear about the things I was feeling and together we knew that our love for Linus is nothing compared to how much God loves him. Our love is so deep and strong for this little guy who is just sweet and innocent and I knew I experienced God when I realized that His love for me, and for you, is so much more than that. And, most of us - no - ALL of us are not as sweet and innocent as a two week old newborn baby. Yet, God loves us anyway with a love that motivated Him to send His one and only Son to die for us. Amazing grace, is just that...amazing!

The men in my life!

2008-12-29T15:34:00.003-06:00

This is one of my favorite pics!

Three generations of Gosa men!

The last walk?

2008-12-20T12:12:00.004-06:00

I must confess that I am feeling very sorry for myself. If you are not new to this blog then you know how special my walks are for me.

However, the past 2 years I've been ignoring heel pain in my right foot. The last 6 months have made it very hard for me to continue to ignore so I finally went to a foot specialist. The diagnosis is exactly what I expected. Plantar Fasciitis.

There are number of factors that have caused this problem for me. One is that I had foot surgery years ago and don't have the ability to stretch the plantar like it needs. The other is that I have "VERY" high arches. In fact, the doc said they might be the highest arch he has seen where surgical correction is not needed. Hmmmm... Anyway, no more surgery for this girl. So the other issues for causing this to be as major a problem as it has become is that I'm "older" and "overweight". Just what every girl wants to hear before her 51st birthday.

And the severe pain that accompanies every step I take also has to do with the bad arthritis he saw on the xray. Blah, blah, blah. That is all I heard at this point. Too busy feeling sorry for myself to really listen to what he had to say. Treatment involves stretching exercises that he doesn't feel will help much due to surgery from years ago but wants me to try anyway. And a shot in the heel. Not just any shot but a combination of medicine that he called a shot "cocktail".

If you ever have a desire to experience a new level of pain you didn't think existed just let a doctor take a long needle and shove it into an already painful heel. He sprayed and froze the area first but trust me, you still feel this. Or don't trust, ask the other people who were in the office that day and heard me scream.

To take my mind off the pain I reflected back on how depressed I started getting in the waiting room. Every other person there had to be 80 years old and up. Not sure I liked the idea of having problems like this when I hopefully have 30+ more good years left. The shot is done and he puts a bandaid on my heel. That is when I get to share with him that I have recently developed an allergy to bandaids. We don't know but my other doctor (yes, I now have multiple doctors) feels I am allergic to the adhesive used in bandaids. I explained how recently I had to used one and that while the original sore healed that allergic reaction and loss of skin where the bandaid touched it is significant. So he took the bandaid off and had to get creative with a flex wrap and tape over the wrap.

This fix was to stay on for five days. By day 3 I could no longer stand it, I was having an allergic reaction. Now the heel in my foot does not hurt as much since the meds are working but the itching and rash and blisters are unbearable. Peaceful sleep does not exist. I called around and learned that bandaids and this flex wrap both have latex so we (actually me since I'm now acting as my own doctor) are now thinking I'm allergic to latex.

By now you are wondering about the title of this post. "The last walk." It turns out the worst thing I can do for my plantar problem is to take long walks or to stand for long periods. And I'm never to go barefoot. Not even in the house. Swimming is okay - its going to be below zero tomorrow and the pool is closed. Biking is okay - oh yeah lets do that again! Elliptical is also okay, which I don't mind except for all the twenty-somethings with zero body fat in the exercise room. And my walks have always been more than just exercise.

They have been spiritual in many ways. I just can't imagine no long walks in the park. No long talks with God as He amazes me with His creation. Yes, this girl is feeling a bit sorry for herself.

But I know me. I won't stay here long. I'll pick myself up and do what I want and just learn to endure the pain. Just not sure when that might happen.

Christmas and other things

2008-12-18T09:51:00.007-06:00

Here is a recent picture of me with Gary. We were at an awards ceremony.

Here is this year's Christmas tree. At first we weren't so sure but now I really love it! It is so simply and pretty and when the sun shines on it the entire room lights up!

This pic is for Kelly! I wanted her to see how pretty the flowers are that she and Malcolm sent me for my birthday!

And this last one is my favorite. It is our Christmas present from Kelly and Malcolm. I always give Kelly a hard time because she pretends to bite Malcolm. Well, it isn't always pretend maybe playful is a better word. Unless you're the one getting bitten.

Linus Clayton Gosa

2008-12-15T09:39:00.005-06:00

Psalm 128:6
May you live long enough to see your grandchildren.

Father God, thank you for this precious life.
My heart can not express the love and joy that it has but I know that Your love for Linus exceeds anything I'm capable of. Protect him as he grows and bless his parents as they raise him in the knowledge of You.
Amen!

Sex, babies, and...

2008-12-13T05:33:00.004-06:00

So I have been up since 3:30 AM. Can't sleep. Kept trying but too many thoughts going through my head. Did all the normal tricks to fall back to sleep but nothing helped. After 2 hours of that I have just given up.

I had a thought during that time that; what if God completely took away every woman's ability to have children. For a moment assume that man has figured out how to reproduce without women being part of the creation of this new life. What happens deep in your gut when you think about that. I start to cry. Do you think our world would change? Do you think that the way women feel, act, and behave would change? Do you think if the soul of women changed that our entire society would change? I do. Would this be good change?

So not being able to sleep I get up and start going through the mail that is sitting on my desk from the last week. I remember the days when I thought I was busy but now I know those were the lazy days. The days I could actually find time to open the mail every day. But I have now strayed from my thoughts so let me bring it back. In the mail I received a newsletter from my obgyn doctor's office (coincidence or God-incidence?). 2 pages completely devoted to "mission hysterosocopy". They are going into third world countries and sterilizing all the women they can. They are proud of this and proud of how they are "helping". I really think they believe it but I find myself very ANGRY.

First of all they went in experimenting and perfecting "new" procedures to accomplish this surgery and it will be generations before anyone really knows what side effects will result. Second what makes us women? Sure we are more than our female body parts but we are uniquely female by them. And since when did being female mean it was bad to bear children. Who is getting all these women pregnant anyways? Why aren't they going into third world countries and snipping and clipping the men? (Sorry if that offends some, wait - NO I'M NOT!) Really someone tell me why!!!!!! Would men in these countries line themselves up to willingly be made sterile or would that not sound so good to them? And if not, why not? I'll tell you why, because they want to have children. Maybe they don't want to raise them but they certainly puff up like roosters talking about their many children.

AND, if we want the women of the world to bear complete and total responsibility for their fertility without men being involved then why aren't we going in and teaching them about their fertility. It isn't rocket science. There are only certain times during the month a women can get pregnant. Would it be so wrong to empower them to say no to sex during those times, even with husbands? Would the men in these countries, or this one for that matter, allow that or are women not to be allowed to be in charge of their sexuality. Are women not "smart" enough to handle this? I feel a rant coming on so I will stop with one more thought that plagues me almost all the time.

Why do we in this country and other countries, think women are stupid? Why don't we give them credit for being intelligent, thinking, human beings? Oh sure, women can have this job or that job but have a say in their sexuality or learning about Natural Family Planning and choosing to abstain from sex when they could get pregnant. No that would be too hard for them. Let's just sterilize them, that is easier and then we aren't burdening them or society with more children. Yeah, let's not teach them about their fertility or invent tools to help them understand when they are fertile. No, they might misuse that power.

This is ludicrous, insanity, and wrong. It's wrong by God's standards and by human standards.

And don't think this is just happening with this topic. Don't even get me started on how this country protects a woman's right to an abortion as strongly as it protects the abortionists right NOT to give her all the information she needs before making that decision. No heaven forbid she should be told about the possible emotional and physical risks, heaven forbid she should be given information on the developing child. No let's just tell her it is easy and quick ("that will be $400 please") and let's just tell her its "not a baby" but a "bunch of cells or zygote or embryo", you know something she might not understand. Let's not tell the baby's heart has been beating for quite some time. No she couldn't handle that. The truth would be too hard for her, the truth is what will cause her emotional distress. Maybe so much that she would not make the "right" choice. I mean what if she went out and decided to continue that pregnancy? What would be the result then? Crap, another baby would be born.

Okay, I think I'm done. But maybe if you made it this far you can see why falling back to sleep just was not going to happen. This really is just the tip of the iceberg of thoughts I have on these topics.

Oh yeah, and now I think I have to find a new doctor.

"This is so hard"

2008-11-18T13:07:00.003-06:00

I find that I have been saying "this is so hard" a lot lately. So I'm wondering...what is that about?

Am I overwhelmed with all the things I'm trying to accomplish? Am I in over my head or trying to do things beyond my skills? Am I just lazy?

As I ponder on these questions I look again at the quote that so often goes through my head.

"This is so hard"

I notice what it doesn't say. It doesn't say "this is TOO hard". I'm guessing that since I chose the word "so" and not that word "too" that I am not giving up or giving in. I'm just expressing a statement that what I'm trying to do requires a lot of thinking power or physical power or more than what I would typically give to a thing.

And I start considering that maybe the things I'm involved in are hard. And maybe that is good and the pain I'm expressing is one of growth. Perhaps if I stopped worrying about burn-out and just plowed forward I would find that the thing wasn't really as hard as I once thought it would be.

I don't know; but all this thinking about it has me once again saying to myself that "this is so hard."

Father and Son

2008-10-12T15:49:00.004-05:00

Recently Kevin was here to perform a concert. Even though he was here less than 24 hours it was still a very nice visit.

This picture was taken on the patio where we visited prior to going in to the studio.

I don't know if it is Gary getting thinner or Kevin getting older but these two men look more alike as years go by.

My cup runneth over!

Sentimental

2008-09-28T15:32:00.002-05:00

Many years ago when Kelly still lived in Kansas and we had a house, we decided to update the "look" of our home. Kelly was in charge and did an incredible job. It turned out beautiful. Specifically I remember our half bath and how she took it from a cow motive to a modern sleek look. She put up a glass shelf with these glass vases with beads in them and one long flower type thing. It was great and worked perfect for that room.

Then we moved. We now live in an apartment and there really wasn't a place for these five vases. We tried some different spots and in one attempt to move them one fell and broke. So now there are four vases.

For a long time they were on the fireplace mantel and even though they don't exactly match the decor we kept them there. Well, until one day when we redid the things on the mantel because of a new gift we received from the kids. There was no denying that the vases just didn't work there anymore.

Gary moved them to three different places and I tried to let them be but it just wasn't working for me. This past week we had our son and his friend here for one night and when I was getting things ready I decided to move the vases into storage.

Friday night Gary and I sat watching TV and during a commercial break he asked about the vases. I could tell by his quiet tone that he was very sad. He said something like "they remind of Kel-Kel". So I told him where to find them and he combined the four flowers to one vase and it now sits on our dresser in the bedroom. I watch each night as Gary gets ready for bed and see him pause and look at the vase. Knowing he is reminded of his daughter who lives far away but is always close to his hear, I pray he will sleep well.

Ode to September

2008-09-24T21:02:00.005-05:00

quiet
cool nights
beauty in motion
month sister was born
days get shorter
almost over
gone

I remember September and love her cool nights.
It is over too soon and I'll miss the daylight.
As winter gets closer and warmth goes to sleep,
We'll be buried in snow that can get quite deep.

The sky is so blue during September's days.
Tree leaves begin turning and there's a light morning haze.
The dog days of summer are gone for a year.
And store's turn attention to Christmas that's near.

If spring is my favorite then September is second.
A walk in the park can feel close to heaven.
She comes in quick and is gone too soon.
September's beauty is seen in the sweet harvest moon.

Boldly

2008-09-21T16:25:00.003-05:00

As I walked and talked with the Lord I wondered about God and how unworthy I am to request to be in His presence. Yet, my heart is troubled and in need of wisdom so I walk and wait on the Lord.

It is a nice day for a walk. The weather is perfect. Some leaves have just begun to change yet there are leaves that have already fallen to the ground. Still, plenty of green and an abundance of flowers line the path as I walk. The sky is a beautiful blue and the big puffy white clouds look like floating mountains.

I ponder about the thing that weighs so heavy on my heart. How can it consume me while I'm surrounded by such beauty? I bring it to the Lord and ask for what I want. I end my prayer with "if it be Your will, Father; if it be Your will".

I walk some more and wonder if I believe that. I say it because I know He is God and I am not yet I also know His word instructs me to come boldly before His thorn. So I sit on a picnic table and bow my head. BOLDLY, BOLDLY, I make my request to the Lord. As I do a peace comes over me that I did not have at the end of my last prayer.

I cry. When the tears stop I know that His will, will be done. He knows the desires of my heart and no matter the outcome of my prayer, I will delight in Lord always.

Blue Sky

2008-09-09T15:20:00.003-05:00

The sky is very blue today. It is 70 degrees and just looks wonderful out there. I wonder if it is a good idea to have window in my office on days like this.

I see my car parked right outside my window and know that in the trunk are my golf clubs that do not have any 2008 grass stains on them yet. I think about my 4:30-5:30 meeting and then my 6PM to 8PM meeting and start feeling like I did back in high school when I'd just escape and go to the park.

Part of me wants to just get up, leave, and go outside to play. Yet, responsibilites cry out to me and so instead I take a break from work and decide to post on my blog. Today I met with a woman who could only verbalize that is was time to "take care of herself." She could not think about the fact that her teenage daughter was pregnant and maybe needed her. No, she could only think about doing what was best for herself. She felt she deserved that. We talked about God and she stated that she decided a long time ago that God did not care about her. If He did then her life would have been much easier, she reasoned.

Really? Is that what God's purpose is for our lives...to make them easier? If it is then I'm doing life all wrong. Easy is not a word I'd use to describe a day in the life of me. In fact, if I were honest I'd say most days were hard and filled with challenges. Could I choose to walk away from those things? Yes. Will I? No.

I'm reminded of a sermon I heard decades ago about the ant that never stops planning for the winter, working hard all summer. If you read the Bible passage too quickly you may miss the fact that winter does not mean time off, it includes the gathering of the harvest that the ant worked so hard at storing. No, I don't think God wants to make our lives easy. A great example of why can been seen now in our culture. The easier life gets the lazier we get. Physically and intellectually. So many people I meet seem to have just stopped using critical thinking. So much information is fed to them through television and other media that they just accept what they hear as fact instead of doing the hard work of researching a subject for themselves.

I see this with how people, like the woman I met today, approach "knowing" anything about God. Rarely will they read the Bible for themselves and rarer still will they investigate what they learn if they do read the Bible. No, it is easier to build Biblical knowledge off bumper stickers, the nightly news, and popular sitcoms. It makes me sad.

When was the last time you read a good Book? Have you spent even 20 minutes in the Bible lately? I must confess that the internet has helped to make me lazy in my Bible reading. I can go to a website and just search on a word or a passage and let the computer bring it up for me. I don't have to even open the paper pages of a book anymore. But what have I lost?

The search for a particular passage by turning to Ephesians or the Psalms always led me to other treasures that I wasn't looking for. Hmmmm...suddenly the old saying "physician heal thyself" comes to mind. I guess before I point the finger of laziness at others, or our culture, I must first look at myself. I think I'll stop posting now. I suddenly have the urge to read my Bible for the remainder of this short break from work.

A Lesson from the Ants
Proverbs 6:6-8
"Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones. Learn from their ways and become wise! Though they have no prince or governor or ruler to make them work, they labor hard all summer, gathering food for the winter."

Last week of August

2008-08-28T08:40:00.003-05:00

Just a short post to share what a GREAT month we have had in Kansas. I love the hot and sticky weather for sure but it has been really nice to have temps in the 80's for most of the month. What has been really good is that I think this is the first August in the 12 years we've lived here that we were able to occasionally turn off the air conditioning. Well, if you don't count those times when the air conditioning unit broke due to overuse in previous years.

Psalm 23 from my heart to God's

2008-08-21T20:28:00.004-05:00

God you are my Shepherd, my Rock, my Fortress. You Lord, fill my every need.
It is God who calms the storms of my life. Only God who leads me to peaceful waters.
My Lord, when I'm at the end of my rope, You restore my soul. Peace overcomes me.
You give me strength. You guide my steps on the path that is right, for Your sake.
God be glorified! God be honored!

Here I am, deep in this very dark valley. Yet it is here in the dark that I find You.
I am not alone. I will fear no evil. You are with me. You wait for me.
You are the God who spoke and all I see came into existence.
In Your shadow I find indescribable comfort and rest. My God is with me.

My enemies, those seen and unseen, don't have a chance because You are with me.
On my own I am easily defeated but I am not alone. Your blessing is on me.
Your favor follows me. Not because of who I am but because of who You are.
Were I to be penniless and broke, left with nothing, I'd still be rich because of You.

God, Your mercy and grace is always there. All the days of my life I will have You.
You have promised in Your word that you will NEVER leave me or forsake me.
Your word is trustworthy and true. I am content.
I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever amen.

08.08.08

2008-08-07T19:48:00.002-05:00

From darkness into Light!

She sat in deep despair
Did not know that God was there
Heart now broken, pain her friend
She thought it best her life should end

Afraid to die, afraid to live
Feels she has nothing to give
The choice is done, child now lost
But that choice had such high cost

"Sold my soul to get my way"
Didn't know the depth of shame
God so far, she tries to hide
Regret and pain she can't abide

Condemned to hell, her biggest fear
Does not know that He is near
I sit shiva with her now
Pray and hope her head will bow

To the One who cares
The One who dares
To take her sin upon His back
To guard her from Satan's attack

She hears what Jesus did for her
Forgiven and loved, the lesson learned
I hear her pray "forgive me Lord"
A child of God has just been born!

Darkness gone...she lives in Light
The road still hard but hope in sight
I wonder will we meet again
If not on earth, then in heaven

Praise the Lord for this soul now saved!
Praise the Lord for His life He gave
The truth is found in His Word
Heaven and earth...praise the Lord

AMEN

That's what I'm talking about!

2008-08-03T08:27:00.002-05:00

Heat index 112!

Not sure how they get that number but it sure sounds hot. Yesterday was hot, humid, sticky, sweltering, in other words...PERFECT! Add to that a 7 mile walk and it just doesn't get any better than that.

No wait, it does! Gary went on the walk with me. He complained a little and I would just remind him that someday, if I should die before him, he will appreciate these days because he will remember how much I loved them.

We were on the last mile and half when I realized I was so busy walking I forgot to really look around and enjoy the day. I was in the sun and as I walked, I saw it was so hot that my wrists were even sweating. I just smiled. Earlier, we had noticed these really cute little butterflies that had been all over the place during the entire walk. Now, as I slowed my pace and began seeing what was around me I saw one of them on a flower on the side of path.

I call them "lacy flowers" because they look like lace (clever huh). A few yards more and there was a whole a patch of these lacy flowers. On each one was one of those little butterflies with their wings spread out showing the full color of their beauty on the white lace flower. It was breathtaking and I just stood there admiring it for a while.

I wondered if butterflies cared about things like heat indexes and decided they had no idea how hot it was. But I bet the flowers do and perhaps on those really hot days the flowers release more nectar than normal which makes for this wonderful lunch buffet the butterflies were enjoying. Just a thought.

Oh by the way. They are predicting it will be even hotter today, now that's what I'm talking about.

Grandchildren

2008-07-18T08:05:00.002-05:00

Deuteronomy 4:9

You must be very careful not to forget the things you have seen God do for you. Keep reminding yourselves, and tell your children and grandchildren as well.

Psalm 128:6

May you live long enough to see your grandchildren.

Proverbs 17:6

Grandparents are proud of their grandchildren, and children should be proud of their parents.

Desecrated Path

2008-07-11T08:37:00.002-05:00

Well if you spend any time at all reading my blog you know how much my walking path means to me. I love taking long walks, short walks, hard walks, leisure walks, whatever, on it.

A of couple weeks ago I was on a walk that was quite the workout. There is this one area on this particular path that I always say to Gary when we get there, "If I ever run away from home this is where you'll find me." It is short wooded area with a stream running next to the path. When returning from the walk; the opening before I get there is always so welcoming. I feel like I'm entering the arms of God as I get to that spot. Right at the entrance is the marvelous clump of trees that I call the "family tree". It looks like a bunch of trees met there for a family reunion and they are all standing at the gate to great me as I enter in.

When I get to this spot I am on my return route and it is about the 3 mile mark for my 4 mile walk. So often I am tired and sometimes want to give up, but I can't because I still need to get home. Well, anyway, when I was coming around the bend before I reach that spot I noticed two people (a man and a woman) cutting across the grass to the path from some homes in the area. They looked to be my age and were dressed like they were going to take a leisure walk. As I go around the bend I lose sight of them until I reach the entrance to this wooded area. That is when I see them again.

They are standing in the woods right behind my tree family. It is very clear that they are not there for good purposes. The exchange of money and "something" in plastic bags makes it clear that whatever they are doing is something they don't want others to see. As I approach they look at me and I at them. I give them "the look" that my daughter always said I was so good at. I don't stop or talk with them. In fact I pick up my pace a bit so they know I'm not a threat. I'm hoping they decide this might not be a place to do whatever business they were doing in the future. It is public and often a busy path.

It saddened me as I reflected back on the experience. It was so unexpected on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the suburbs. They didn't have tattoos or torn cloths, they just looked like a couple going for a walk that you might bump into in a grocery store somewhere. Now as I walk past what used to be my place of serenity I'm reminded of that day. I look over at the houses and pray for whoever lives there. That they will find a better way to live and that no harm comes to others in that neighborhood.

Soul tired

2008-07-10T08:37:00.002-05:00

I've been in this funk for two days now. Not sure what it is about. But as I had my quiet time with the Lord yesterday morning I was struck by the word "soul". I started wondering where does the soul of person reside while in our earthly bodies.

I ruled out the heart because people have had heart transplants and artificial hearts and that did not change who they were at the core. So I decided the sole must reside in the brain. After some internet searching I concluded that there is no evidence to support that conclusion, just lots of various and contradicting theories. Some said the soul resided in our consciousness...but where does that reside? There was no answer to that question.

Then I began to think that perhaps the soul is somehow mixed into our DNA. That is what makes us unique and individual. But I remembered a CSI episode (again, getting my knowledge from a TV show might not be ideal) where they stated the statistics of 2 people having the exact same DNA. Apparently it is possible and yet these people would be distinctly different.

So I was left with no answer. I did a word search for "soul" in the Bible and about 400 verses in various translations came back. I read them all. It was very interesting and nothing led me to the answer I sought. What was clearly evident is that the soul and our spirit are eternal. Which got me thinking about being eternal. While I know I will live again after I die and I'll be with the Lord I thought about the fact that I am not eternal in the sense that God is eternal.

God always was, is, and will be. My existence had a beginning but it will have no end. So while I'll live in eternity I have not always been eternal. All this thinking makes me tired.

Hemp

2008-06-24T11:25:00.002-05:00

Okay so I haven't done a post about my sweet husband in quite a long time. He usually gives me so much material too. Anyway, he has been on this quest ever since our trip to Singapore to find these breakfast bars he had while there. With Kelly's help we learned that they are made in Australia and they are NOT sold here in the U.S. of A.

So he has been trying to find the next best thing. At a health food store he found something he thought would be close. It wasn't but that isn't the funny part.

To give you context to this story you need to know that a couple weeks ago they started random drug testing where Gary works. It was stressful for some and a few are now unemployed. Hmmmm. Anyway, it just annoyed Gary as he knew he didn't have anything to worry about...or did he? You see, my sweet husband tends to think of the most odd things. He been told that the poppy seed in a poppy seed muffin could possibly result in a problem with some drug screenings. Yet he didn't eat any of those muffins but he started to wonder if something else he ate might have made something "bad" come up with the test. Well, as I predicted it didn't and he calmed down.

Fast forward now to the purchase of these breakfast bars. One of the ingredients in them is hemp seed.The first time he ate one was for breakfast on his way to work. Once there he started thinking about the ingredients. Then the paranoia set in. Not only was concerned they might do another surprise drug testing but he actually said he started to "feel funny". Hee...hee...hee...hee. This just cracked me up!!!

He felt funny, like maybe the breakfast bar was giving him a buzz. He was so serious as he told me this that it only made me laugh harder. Even now as I'm posting about it I'm giggling. I assured him that all would be okay and he won't need to be going to drug rehab or anything like that.

But the real question I had for him was if he had the munchies the rest of the day. :)

At Rest In Jesus' Arms by Ray Harvey

2008-06-24T11:10:00.002-05:00

I have this picture on the wall above my desk. It has always meant a great deal to me. But like anything that hangs on the wall for a long time you eventually get so used to it being there you don't see it anymore.

Recently, in a Bible study I'm doing, I was reminded of the time when the Jews were in the desert complaining about everything. God was angered by their behavior and sent snakes to the camp. Many died from the snake bites. The Jews repented and God had a bronze snake placed on a stick. When a person was bit by a snake they only needed to look up at the bronze snake and they would healed. This seems odd to us in 2008 but the lesson is still relevant.

I sat at my desk and looked up. There was this picture. It has always meant so much because of the work I do. But this time as I looked at it I imagined myself as the infant.

No matter our age, no matter what we are going through Christ is there. Holding us, protecting us, marveling at each soul. He knows we will fail, yet His love for us never changes. The Bible says we are His "joy"! Imagine that next time you watch the nightly news or look in a mirror. Imagine yourself as that infant being held in the arms of your Savior and King and know that you are precious in His sight. In all things look to the Lord...He is right there waiting for you.

www.rayharveyart.com

Change the world

2008-06-10T09:59:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about this for a while now. Is it possible for one person to change the world?

There are those that say no. Yet it has been done over and over again. One person invented a light bulb and the world was changed.

One person wrote a book that began the rethinking of a nation to outlaw slavery.

One tired person, refused to give up her seat on a bus and it changed a nation.

I did a Google search on "changed the world" and the people, pictures, events, whatever, that came up were endless. Some seemed really big but most were more like the examples above. One person, tired or unknowingly, did something that forced others to take notice.

So I started wondering; can one person do something that really could change the world? I believe the answer is yes. Now the adventure is on to see it happen. My plan is to stay steady in the battle God has placed me in. To not give up. I was reading something recently that said to "love God and others in risky ways". Imagine how the world would change if everyone did that. The possibilities are endless.

There is One who showed us how to do that. Not only did He die for our sins but He left Heaven and all that means behind to come to earth in human form. Knowing how we would treat Him and the pain He would need to endure. One Man changed the world. It doesn't matter if you are Christian, Muslim, or don't believe in God at all. That one Person, changed human history forever. For those that are Believers, history was not only thing changed. For them, their eternal destiny also changed.

So my challenge to you is to love someone in a risky way today! Take a chance that takes you out of your comfort zone. Who knows...you may never be the same. Who knows...the world might never be the same.

88

2008-06-03T09:05:00.002-05:00

Yesterday my father-in-law celebrated his 88th birthday. WOW! Makes 50 seem really young. I've known this man for 30 years which as I thought about it that means he was just a little older than me when we first met.

I remember that first meeting like it was yesterday. Gary took me to his home on James street in Waukesha Wisconsin. It was a street right off an old 60's family TV show. A big yellow house with a big porch on the front. I immediately liked Gary's parents. They reminded me of Edith and Archie Bunker and it was so fun to listen to them. Eugene (father-in-law) is never at a loss for words and I think everyone should experience going shopping with him. Don't expect to get done quickly because he will want to have a conversation with everyone who will stop long enough to talk with him. It is actually kind of fun, unless you are in a hurry.

So what do you do to celebrate your 88th birthday? In his case you take a trip to South Dakota. Growing up Gary remembers many family trips there and his dad has had a love affair with that state for as long as anyone can remember. With his health and being 88 this is not an easy trip, yet nothing short of death would have stopped him. Gary talked with him yesterday and while he sounded exhausted he also sounded completely content. Gary's sister and her husband made this trip possible by renting a van and committing to do whatever was necessary to make it happen. Thank you would never cover the gratitude we have for them doing that.

I hope when I'm 80 or 90 I'll be able to take a "dream" trip too. It gives one something to look forward to.

On the path again...

2008-05-25T18:49:00.005-05:00

I can't wait to get on the path again. Okay so it doesn't work as well as "on the road again" by Willie Nelson but hey, I love my walking path. Maybe somebody needs to write a song about it.

Friday I went for a two hour walk (7 miles). It was awesome. Perfect weather and pretty much had the path to myself. It was so great to be back out there. As I've shared before this is a great time of prayer for me and seeking God. Each thing I see reminds me of His goodness and provision. The Bluejay I saw was really a bright blue. Telling me that God loves beauty and color in His creation. Since I walked farther than normal I got to go into this wooded area I rarely walk in. It was great. The trees provided protection from the hot sun but every once in a while there would be a break in the trees and those first rays of summer sun felt really good (I know I was in Singapore in February and got lots of sun, but that was MONTHS ago now).

Then I saw something that took my breath away. This owl flew from one tree to another and her three little babies flew behind her. Owls are so cool to see as they fly, they look like a barrel with wings. It was such a special moment and for me very rare. I've put a lot of miles on the path over the years and this is only the second time I've seen an owl and the first time I've seen one with her babies!
Seeing this Owl reminded me of how God protects those He loves. This mother Owl never let me out of her sight while her babies were near. And with the motion she has been given to turn her head she was able to watch me for quite a while.

Today I again went for a walk. It is HOT here today, 90 degrees or more. Pretty sure we might get storms later or tomorrow. I went two miles turned around and started back. I was listened to my music and a song had just started about how God painted me a sunrise to start my day and I never even saw it. It gave other examples of how God shows us His love for us and in the busyness of the day we never notice. I had been very deep in the words of this song and must have been looking down at the path for a long time because I didn't even notice this Hawk on the ground until I was about five feet away from it.

I was amazed it didn't fly away. Kelly and I tried many times to get a picture of a Hawk and every time they flew away as soon as we stopped. And we were never THIS close. It was huge and spread its wings but stayed on the ground. As I walked closer to pass by it I could see that the reason it didn't leave was because it had just caught its dinner. I saw this very large black snake wiggling around and trying to get free from this Hawk's powerful claws. I stopped to watch and as soon as I did the Hawk clutched it prey tightly and looked straight at me. Seeing its beak that close and knowing the kind of power those claws had I decided it was best not to linger there.

I walked on amazed at what I had just witnessed. There is no doubt in my mind that the Hawk won that battle. I had to call Gary and tell him about it because I was so excited I couldn't wait to get back from walk to tell him. He asked if I took a picture. I never even thought about it. My cell phone has that capability but frankly all I could imagine was the Hawk attacking me or worse yet, flying over me and dropping that big black, now bloody, snake on my head. Neither of those situation appealed to me so the only real picture I have of the event is locked in my memories. Here is a picture I found to just give you a feel for what I saw:

Wow! I exercise up at the gym a lot and miss out on all these wonderful adventures God has for me on that path. I love it that winter is over. Praise the Lord!

Seeing that Hawk with its dinner reminded me of God's provision. Beauty, protection and provision...just three things that God does for all of us. Again, I am humbled that the God who created everything I see and all I can't see cares about my needs. Hmmmm...

You know you live in Kansas when...

2008-05-13T11:06:00.001-05:00

You read an article with the title "Subway Ads Bring Hope To Women" and you think, "What is that Subway sandwich shop doing now"?

Then further into the article you realize, ohhhhh "subways", as in trains that take you here and there. Like in New York! And I laugh to myself about being a midwest person who really does forget that not everything is like it is here.

My utmost for His highest

2008-05-06T09:11:00.002-05:00

I was reading a devotional by Oswald Chambers (Oswald, don't see many kids being named that these days) this morning and was struck by the simple honesty of it.

When sharing Jesus with others it should never be done in a demanding way - "you are required to believe the Bible or else". As Christians we are not required to believe the Bible as much as we are to believe in the One of whom the Bible teaches.

Others will see Jesus more in how we present Him with Truth, and how we allow and live out our faith by our lives, than they will in our demanding they believe. We are instructed to take His yoke upon us, not place a heavy yoke on others. When we do it God's way we find that His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 28:19). When we do it our way, there is resistance and strife. And then in the devotion it says this very profound statement:
"It takes God a long time to get us to stop thinking that unless everyone sees things exactly as we do, they must be wrong."

Ouch, that hit home!

God deals with us with gentleness and patience, we should do no less when dealing with others. Never water down the truth of God...let it stand and speak on its own. Jesus said, "Go...make disciples..." NOT, "Convert everyone to your personal opinions and thoughts."

Now that's convicting.

Has she lost it?

2008-05-04T18:30:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I know that four posts in one day is a bit much. I guess I have a lot to share since I only did two posts the entire month of April.

The end of days

2008-05-04T18:11:00.006-05:00

Recently something happened in my life that has caused me to stop and reflect on what it means to be God.

This movie crew was working on a film about a real life situation. It is based on the true story of this really horrific event that happened in a young woman's life. How I became involved in it is a very long story and I will spare you those details. I was sitting outside the building where the filming was taking place because to be inside was too difficult (emotionally and spiritually). Knowing what was being acted out, I was reminded that just a few miles away from where I was there were real life situations just like this one happening.

Lives were being ended and lives were being destroyed. I began to think "how can one human being do this to another human being?" It was sunny and the sun felt good but a very cold north wind was blowing. I felt frozen in that place, not wanting to go in the building and not wanting to stay outside. Then I asked myself, "how can God allow this to continue?" He sees it all, in every city, state, and country. He sees horrible miss justice to innocent lives all over the world and all at one time. How can He take it all in? Why does He allow it to continue? How can He possibly tolerate the way His creation has turned against Him and each other?

I can only hope that while He sees all the horror He also sees humans having compassion on other humans. And perhaps, right now, the compassion events out number the horror events and so He allows life as we know it to go on. Maybe someday in the future, a day that only God knows, when He destroys this earth and the heavens as we know them, maybe that day is the day when the horror events will out numbers the compassion events.

Maybe. We can't really know for sure why or when God will say "I've had enough." All I know is that God has more patience and understanding than I'll ever have.

Matthew 24:35-36
Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away. "But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone."

Sweet Surprise

2008-05-04T17:59:00.003-05:00

Gary did not have to be on the worship team this week and I didn't have any speaking engagements so we got to be this married couple that just goes to church on Sunday morning. It felt weird and we were a little off our game. First of all we got up too early so we decided to go and have a nice breakfast out.

That was great but when we were done we still had an hour to kill before we had to start heading to church. So we went to the park to watch the lake. It is a beautiful day and we were really enjoying the water and the birds when someone decided to park fairly close to us. They kept their car running and played their music too loud. It really ruined the moment. Rather than get in a bad mood I decided I was bored and we just needed to drive around the park instead of parking and relaxing.

We rounded the first bend in the road and there in the field just off the road was this awesome Army helicopter. We pulled over and stared at it. We had never been that close to one of these monsters and the soldier standing near it invited us up for a closer look. So of course we went!

It was awesome. We got to go in it and talk with the other soldiers there. We learned about the massive power this Chinook helicopter has. We learned it has been around a long time and even had been to Vietnam during that war. One of the soldiers shared stories of his trips to Pakistan in it and how one time they landed on top of the Himalayan mountains and got out to have a snowball fight. Cool!

Time went too fast and we had to say goodbye to head off to church. We shook the hand of each soldier and thanked them for their service to this country. I walked away and for the first time was proud that I pay taxes. I also was sincerely glad that woman parked next to me and annoyed me enough to cause me to leave. If it had not been for her we never would have had that opportunity.

One more reason to come and visit us

2008-05-04T17:14:00.004-05:00

We have a "Five Guys" in Olathe now!!!!!
Yesterday morning I was complaining to someone about how spoiled I was since my last trip to Florida. Five Guys hamburgers are the best! Nothing quite hits the mark and then I complained how it would cost too much to fly to Florida just for a hamburger. Gary and I went out last night and were completely surprised to find a Five Guys had just opened! YUMMMMM!

I bet my kids are jealous now.

Things that make me smile

2008-04-23T08:51:00.005-05:00

In one of my Bible's I have reserved the back page for writing a list of my favorite things. This is an awesome exercise and I would encourage everyone to do it. I try to put the date behind new entries so I can see when and how my life is impacted by things. This is a great place to turn on a day when I feel a little blue. I read the list and am reminded of things that make me smile.

Some things don't make that list but they still make me smile. Here are a few:

Springtime in Kansas! There are so many flowering trees and the blossoms seem to stay for a while. Springtime in Wisconsin seemed to come and go too quickly compared to here.

Here is a picture of a tree that is right off our balcony:

Another thing that will always bring a smile to my face is a redbud tree in bloom at springtime. There are many of these trees here and just driving down any road the color and beauty they bring brightens my day.

The last thing that I just have to share is my husband's new "thing" since we returned from Singapore. While there he tried "finger" bananas and found out that he really liked them. So, anytime he sees them here he has to buy them. What made me smile is when I turned the corner and saw them hanging on our banana tree. They are so small and looked funny compared to the normal bananas that would be hanging there. It made me smile. :)

A mom's prerogative

2008-04-10T10:31:00.002-05:00

Since this is my blog it is kind of cool that I can post what I want! Maybe even a little dangerous.

Here is a link to a website that has a video podcast and an audio podcast of my son preforming with Jake Armerding at an east coast coffee house. I enjoyed it a great deal and hope you will to. The performance was taped live on April 2nd.
http://www.acousticlongisland.com/

Here is a link to Kevin's website if you want to keep up with what he is doing professionally: http://kevingosa.com/
April 18 and 19 he will be performing with Jake (http://www.jakearmerding.com/) in the Chicago area!

Things that "weird me out"

2008-03-26T09:16:00.003-05:00

The other day I went in for an echo stress test. I found it interesting and was glad that I passed the test. If you've never experienced this they hook you up to an EKG machine so they can monitor the heart at all times, and they take your blood pressure (a LOT), and before you start the stress test part they do a sonogram of your heart, which they do again later when you get your heartbeat up.

I laid on my side as I had been instructed and was able to look at the monitor. Now, being in pregnancy center work, I get the opportunity to see sono's pretty often and am always amazed when I can see that little flicker indicating the heart is beating and the baby is a 7 week old embryo. Amazing.

But this was much different. It wasn't a little flicker beating fast needing time to grow. No, this was my heart and it appeared to be working hard. The part that freaked me out was watching my own heart beating on the screen. I thought about how weird it would be if it suddenly stopped beating as I was watching it. YIKES! That was a scary thought.

Then I thought about how it has been working and beating for over 50 years now. Never getting a vacation, never getting time off for a job well done. What an amazing creation we are! God willing; my heart will continue to do its job for decades to come. But in the meantime, I just wonder if there shouldn't be a national heart appreciation day.

You know, a day to just stop and thank our hearts for doing their job, relentlessly, tirelessly, continually. Maybe buy it something, like an apple in stead of a bag of potato chips or a turtle sundae. :)

Easter 2008

2008-03-16T17:32:00.005-05:00

The Throne

He approached the throne trembling inside.

Where could he go? Where could he hide?

Time stood still. What brought him here?

He couldn’t remember and was filled with fear.

Closer now, each step seemed like his last.

He couldn’t look forward, just thought of the past.

Past sins and regrets, his life brought him shame.

“Is this heaven” he thought, then why all the pain?

Now he stood at the foot of this beautiful throne,

Looked around and saw he was all alone.

The seat it was empty. No one was there.

He wondered…should he go sit in the chair?

His hand touched the wood and what flashed through his eyes

Was the scene of a mob and loud angry cries.

He cried from a pain in his hands and his feet.

His head hurt, his side ached, he felt deep deep defeat.

Just when he thought he couldn’t take any more,

And his heart swelled with sorrow he couldn’t endure.

He let go of the chair and fell to his knees,

When Christ came, took his hand, and met all his needs.

Now standing with Jesus; face to face.

He understood fully the cost of free grace.

He bowed to his King who sat on the throne.

That place is for Jesus and Jesus alone.

Hebrews 4:16 NLT

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Fireproof

2008-03-14T08:30:00.002-05:00

I have a friend who is going to be in a movie! This is very exciting. I met her last year at a conference in South Carolina and we became instant friends. She lives in another state but we talk and email all the time. The church she attends made the movie "Facing the Giants" and they are releasing another motion picture in the fall. The link below is to a trailer for that movie. You will see my friend near the beginning. There is about to be a train wreck and she is the woman you see scream. She said she is shown more than that in the actual movie but it is a bit part and she is only in the scenes during the train wreck.

Fireproof Trailer <http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/>

I can't wait to go to the movie theater and see it!!!!!

Nothing really

2008-03-09T17:02:00.003-05:00

So I wanted to post but really couldn't think of anything to blog about. Perhaps a random entry is due.

It has been a good week. God has much to teach me yet. Sometimes I wish the lessons didn't have to be so hard to learn. Yet they are. At least the ones worth learning are.

While in Singapore our son-in-law took us to his favorite mall. It is floors and floors of electronics. Stereos, speakers, you know, guy toys. Well, needless to say Gary had a blast there. Not only that, it gave him the "bug" to buy a new stereo. So we have been looking at stereos since we got back and I can't even tell you how many times I heard, "I wish we had mall here like the one in Singapore". Well we don't, so it meant traveling a lot and using up a lot of gas but it was successful. Gary was able to find the stereo he wanted at the price we were willing to pay. So we have a new system but it hasn't been a good weekend for us technically here and he hasn't quite figured out how to make all the things work on it. He will, just not this weekend.

I got a digital photo frame. YEAH! I've been wanting one for a long time and I finally broke down and used a gift card I had to purchase it. I spent last night reading the manual. Who would have thought that some day you would need a "manual" for a picture frame. Anyway, I then spent hours downloading just the right pictures on to the flash card and put it in to find out it didn't work. I'm not sure what is wrong yet. Some pictures will come up but most do not. After about six hours I decided to give up or something would end up getting broke. Hopefully I will figure it out soon.

It was a beautiful day today. Sunny, maybe in the 50's. I don't know for sure. But really nice and Gary and I went for a walk. Now we are back and I'm posting about nothing while he takes a nap. Hmmmmmm....

Worship in America

2008-03-03T10:24:00.003-06:00

So I know I've posted about how awesome it was to go to Church in Singapore and how moving the worship there is. I just had to do this post about church here, in America, in a mid-sized church in Shawnee Kansas.

Yesterday was our first time back to church since our trip (we were all time zoned out last Sunday and slept right through Sunday morning, probably because we were up most of the night). I participate in a prayer ministry for my church that specifically prays for Sunday Services. This Friday, as you can imagine, my prayers focused a great deal on worship and the desire of my heart to feel that deep worship I felt in Singapore, and that others in my church would have a deep passion for worship.

Let me just say that God does not disappoint. While the worship is not the same as what I experienced in Singapore it was still a pretty awesome experience. I'm sure it is not because of me, or my prayers, or even having my husband next to me (usually he is on stage, part of the worship team). No, it is simply because I allowed God to be the focus of my worship time and did not allow anything to distract from my attention being solely focused on Him.

Everything else enhanced that experience. The song choices, others around me, the leading of the worship team. But really, God reminded me that true worship comes from the heart, from my heart. As I sang, prayed, and read aloud the scripture presented, the thought came into my mind that "what if this is the last time I could worship God here on earth", "what if this is the last time I could worship with these brothers and sisters in Christ". What if something happened and I woke up and found myself in His presence? Would I want to remember my last time on earth worshipping to be filled with thoughts about how others are or are not praising the Lord or do I want to know that I didn't waste even a single second of that opportunity? For me it is the latter.

So in the space of my chair, in the small area I stood, I just forced all others thoughts to leave my mind so my sole focus could be on honoring and glorifying God. My soul was moved and my heart prepared for the message that God placed in the heart of the Pastor to present. And the song titled "Open the eyes of my heart" became true as I listened to that message.

My heart was prepared to really "hear" Ephesians 2:10 -
"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

And I realized this is THE purpose to life. To fulfill the God given mission we have all been assigned. Not to live for self, or to merely exist, but to live for Christ and to do the "good things" that He planned in advance for us to do. In that process Christ is glorified and God is honored. In that process life makes sense. In that process there is a peace in my soul that surpasses all human understanding.

Praise God from whom all blessing flow!

Lunar New Year and hats!

2008-03-01T12:24:00.006-06:00

One of the perks in visiting Singapore during February is that we were there during the Chinese New year (aka Lunar New Year)! It is very festive and the kids had a lot of time off (plus they took some personal holiday time too). It is like Christmas here when it comes to the family gatherings and the decorations every where you go. 2008 is the Year of the Rat as you can see from the picture here. Also, most of my pictures I have my hat on. I never did figure out how to get my hair to behave there!

Often you will get to see Lion Dances too. We saw them when they were in trucks going down the highway to whatever destination they were going to. All the while they are in the back of that truck they play the drums and make noise. Then, they go to businesses, stores, schools, homes, whatever and do a traditional dance for good fortune and happiness in the new year. It was pretty fun to watch but very LOUD! (Notice the young boy covering his ears?)

The first night we were there it was New Year's Eve and we went to Malcolm's parents home for a traditional New Year's Eve meal. It is called "steam boat" and there is a large deep pan placed on a portable burner in the middle of the table. The broth is placed in and brought to a boil. All kinds of things to boil and cook is placed around the table and we all get to participate in cooking it. Things like: vegetables, shrimp, pork, chicken, beef, sea bass, and my favorite - fish balls. There were other items but I can't remember them all. It was very good and Malcolm's parents are gracious hosts. This year while there I found out I can eat with chopsticks. The problem last year was that I kept trying to make them work using my left hand (I'm mostly left handed) but learned, like when using scissors or golfing, I can only do it with my right hand. Who knew?

Many of you have asked how Gary did on the trip. I am pleased to share that he did awesome. He had moments of being overwhelmed by everything but for the most part he really did enjoy it. Except during the time I wasn't feeling well because he tends to worry a great deal about me. Anyway, he tolerated the plane trip. The way home our flights got goofed up and we were put on a different airline (Singapore Air - best in the world!) and had a direct flight from Singapore to LA. 17+ HOURS! Now, that was a long flight and I think there was even a brief moment during the last 2-3 hours that I started to feel a little claustrophobic. Gary hardly slept at all, a little here and a little there. But overall I would give him a "B+"! And I think he said that, "if he had to", he could do it again. :)This was his most common pose while on the plane, except he usually had ear buds in and his straw hat on. We are very sad to announce that his beloved hat was lost on the journey. That hat had been to many states and countries with him. He thinks he left it at the hotel in LA. :( Bummer.