I've always heard that as parents age they become more like children and that while they once took care of us there comes a day we take care of them. Well, I'm beginning to see more and more how true that is.
My parents and I drove from FL to SC together. Mom drove the first three hours and then I drove the rest of the way (about 5 hours). Dad stayed in the back seat the whole time. Not that that stops him from providing driving instructions or hints to us.
At one time he gave me instructions on how to use the cruise control "properly". Example: he wanted me to know that you can "bump up your speed" easily. So I said, "Dad are you trying to tell me you want me to go faster". He quickly says no but then he starts to count how many vehicles pass me. Not just how many but how many are trucks or SUV's compared to how many are just cars. He tried to not be too obvious and pretended he was just observing that more SUV drivers speed than car drivers do. But I wasn't buying it.
The funniest thing was when I'm just driving and about to pass motor home and my parents start discussing how weird that thing looked. "The back looks like the front" was the comment that really caught my attention. So I stared at this big thing and tried to figure out exactly what the heck they were talking about. I said "that doesn't look anything like the front" and both began to correct me. So to make peace I said "okay, if you put in a window, add a driver, replace the tail lights with head lights and then take off the ladder...then maybe it would look like the front". The entire time I'm laughing so hard I can barely get the words out.
So after 5-7 hours of my dad counting vehicles I looked at mom and said, "it reminds of kids who ask every few minutes - "are we there yet?"."
WELCOME!
T - i - double G - grrrr
October 29, 2007
October 24, 2007
Doctors
It has been an interesting week for me of lessons that you'd think I'd have already learned. Lessons like:
My husband will always love me no matter what.
God is ALWAYS faithful, even when I don't believe it.
Some things in life just aren't worth worrying about.
Stress kills.
I have on and off struggled with high blood pressure. All self induced. Over weight, lack of exercise, poor eating and letting stress get to me. Example: every time I go to the doctor (female type doc) my blood pressure is quite high. What's with that? After all, I'm almost fifty, have had two children and get my yearly exams almost every year. Yet, I get in there and the blood pressure is way up there. I think its their fault. After all, think about it. The whole doctor office process is designed to cause stress.
First you call for an appointment that you want right away and you have to beg and sometimes exaggerate the symptoms to get to speak to a nurse, who will talk with doc and then maybe get back to you the same day. Only to be told they can get you in next week.
So you wait (not so patiently) for the appointment, hoping you don't get a call that the doctor was called into surgery and they need to reschedule the appointment, or worse yet, your symptoms go away and you cancel only to be charged for the canceled appointment.
The traffic is always bad on the drive there no matter what time of day the appointment is and today the main exit off the highway is CLOSED!!! DETOUR! Oh yeah, that is another lesson I should have learned already: "Expect detours!"
So now you're late, feeling bad, even though you know you will be kept waiting for 30 minutes or more. You get in and the front desk asks for your insurance card. They eye it up looking for something to be wrong on it, or perhaps checking to see if it is counterfeit. I don't know. They give it back, take the co-pay, and tell you to go sit down.
Then you get to wait. Usually next to someone who is coughing up a lung. Or a kid with a major nose drip problem wiping it on everything it comes in contact with. If you weren't sick before going to the doctor you are convinced you will be in three days. FINALLY, they call your name.
So what is the first thing they do? Weight! I have given up on being polite at this point because they always put that stupid thing on too low a starting point and usually I have to watch them go slowly, slowly, up up up. Until they realize the bottom needs to go up to the next BIG latch and they start the top one all over again. You'd think I was at the circus with the goof-ball that tries to guess your weight. For goodness sake they do this all day long, day after day, year after year. You'd think they could look at you and get a close starting point. No, they don't, too busy looking at your chart; rarely making eye contact. I bet they don't even know I have blue eyes. So I have taken on putting the weight where I know it belongs, before I even get on that dreaded thing.
Next you go to the room and they ask you all the same questions you just spent 20 minutes answering on the intake form. Usually they ask the same question twice because they are too busy looking at the next question to even pay attention to your answer. Okay, now with all that over they decide to take your blood pressure.
I'm not surprised its high. What surprises me is that I haven't lost my top by this point.
So all is done, I'm twenty bucks poorer. There is good news and bad news. The good news is that there is nothing seriously wrong. The bad news is that the symptoms are real but they have no idea what is causing them. "Maybe its stress" says the doctor with the diploma hanging on the wall. "You think?" is my sarcastic response.
My husband will always love me no matter what.
God is ALWAYS faithful, even when I don't believe it.
Some things in life just aren't worth worrying about.
Stress kills.
I have on and off struggled with high blood pressure. All self induced. Over weight, lack of exercise, poor eating and letting stress get to me. Example: every time I go to the doctor (female type doc) my blood pressure is quite high. What's with that? After all, I'm almost fifty, have had two children and get my yearly exams almost every year. Yet, I get in there and the blood pressure is way up there. I think its their fault. After all, think about it. The whole doctor office process is designed to cause stress.
First you call for an appointment that you want right away and you have to beg and sometimes exaggerate the symptoms to get to speak to a nurse, who will talk with doc and then maybe get back to you the same day. Only to be told they can get you in next week.
So you wait (not so patiently) for the appointment, hoping you don't get a call that the doctor was called into surgery and they need to reschedule the appointment, or worse yet, your symptoms go away and you cancel only to be charged for the canceled appointment.
The traffic is always bad on the drive there no matter what time of day the appointment is and today the main exit off the highway is CLOSED!!! DETOUR! Oh yeah, that is another lesson I should have learned already: "Expect detours!"
So now you're late, feeling bad, even though you know you will be kept waiting for 30 minutes or more. You get in and the front desk asks for your insurance card. They eye it up looking for something to be wrong on it, or perhaps checking to see if it is counterfeit. I don't know. They give it back, take the co-pay, and tell you to go sit down.
Then you get to wait. Usually next to someone who is coughing up a lung. Or a kid with a major nose drip problem wiping it on everything it comes in contact with. If you weren't sick before going to the doctor you are convinced you will be in three days. FINALLY, they call your name.
So what is the first thing they do? Weight! I have given up on being polite at this point because they always put that stupid thing on too low a starting point and usually I have to watch them go slowly, slowly, up up up. Until they realize the bottom needs to go up to the next BIG latch and they start the top one all over again. You'd think I was at the circus with the goof-ball that tries to guess your weight. For goodness sake they do this all day long, day after day, year after year. You'd think they could look at you and get a close starting point. No, they don't, too busy looking at your chart; rarely making eye contact. I bet they don't even know I have blue eyes. So I have taken on putting the weight where I know it belongs, before I even get on that dreaded thing.
Next you go to the room and they ask you all the same questions you just spent 20 minutes answering on the intake form. Usually they ask the same question twice because they are too busy looking at the next question to even pay attention to your answer. Okay, now with all that over they decide to take your blood pressure.
I'm not surprised its high. What surprises me is that I haven't lost my top by this point.
So all is done, I'm twenty bucks poorer. There is good news and bad news. The good news is that there is nothing seriously wrong. The bad news is that the symptoms are real but they have no idea what is causing them. "Maybe its stress" says the doctor with the diploma hanging on the wall. "You think?" is my sarcastic response.
October 21, 2007
Mother nature
Storms came through a while back and when I went for my walk I discovered this tree that was blown apart by lightening. I think the lightening hit the ground and then went up the tree blowing it apart. I think this because I couldn't find any burnt areas on the tree. Here is a picture of it.
Below is picture of a piece of the tree. You can see how far away the debris was thrown. It is as the bottom of this picture.
Here is a picture that shows what the tree looked like before it was hit. The tree on the right is undamaged and the same size and type as the one destroyed.
That's it. I just found this interesting and decided to share.
Below is picture of a piece of the tree. You can see how far away the debris was thrown. It is as the bottom of this picture.
Here is a picture that shows what the tree looked like before it was hit. The tree on the right is undamaged and the same size and type as the one destroyed.
That's it. I just found this interesting and decided to share.
October 17, 2007
What is this thing?
What never leaves you? No matter how much you wish it would, what is this thing that is always there? What is this thing that even super powers can't change?
For a while I can pretend it is gone, I can pretend it belonged to someone else but then something happens to remind me that it never left. That it was just there waiting to pull me into the muck and darkness. Then I'm overwhelmed with the realization that it will always be there. No matter how far I go or how much time goes by. It will ALWAYS be there. I can NEVER get rid of it. Defeat takes hold and I begin to suffer from ingrown eyeballs.
Then I remember that everyone has one of these and I have to ask myself, "how do they cope with it"? Do they suffer or find joy in it? Maybe I'm the only one that when they rediscover they have this they are sad and ashamed. Maybe I'm the only one that doesn't like theirs. Maybe....
What is this thing that never leaves? Why do I allow it to haunt me? "I allow it"....hmmm. Maybe it doesn't have power over me. Maybe I do have control. Maybe, I am the one who gives it power? What is this thing? It is your past.
Will it control you or do you control it? How do you defeat it? There is only one way I've learned and that is to not let it into your present. Oh it will try to sneak in but you must quickly shut the door. It is not your past that determines your future but your present. And really, none of us are guaranteed a future so why worry about what is not here? No I think it is this moment that we are living in that we are most alive. This moment right now is the only one that really counts. What are you doing in this moment? Wasting it on the past?
Our past may have helped to shape us but it does not make us who we are now. I remember a time many years ago this incredible young man came into my life. A good man. An honest man. We fell in love and he asked me to marry him. I wanted that moment more than anything and when it came I hated it. This man didn't really know me. He didn't know who I was. He didn't know my past. I loved and respected him too much to lead into a marriage with someone he didn't know and so instead of saying "yes", I said "you don't really know me". I poured out my past to him and cried while I waiting for him to ask me to leave. He moved in closer to me, took my face into his hands and looked me right in the eyes. He said, "that person is not who is sitting here with me, I fell in love with you, all I see is this beautiful person right in front of me who I've just asked to marry me, who hasn't yet answered my question." That was about 30 years ago and the answer was yes.
A brief encounter that couldn't have lasted more than 10 minutes but it taught me a lesson that I continually learn over and over again. It is now, that counts. Not yesterday. I am who I am in this moment in time. The past no longer has power over me because I won't allow it. It doesn't own me, I own it. And because I own it, it only has the value over me that I decide to place on it. No, this thing called the past will not define who I am in this moment.
I am a child of God. Forgiven. Loved. In fact, He calls me His "beloved". Time is meaningless to God. It didn't even exist until He created it. God sees my whole life, from beginning to end and knows me better than I know myself. He places a high value on me. I don't deserve this favor but He grants it anyway. He is the potter, I am clay. Mold me and make me. This is what I pray.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for loving and molding me. All of me. Past, present, and God willing, future. AMEN
Isaiah 64:8
You, LORD, are our Father. We are nothing but clay, but you are the potter who molded us.
For a while I can pretend it is gone, I can pretend it belonged to someone else but then something happens to remind me that it never left. That it was just there waiting to pull me into the muck and darkness. Then I'm overwhelmed with the realization that it will always be there. No matter how far I go or how much time goes by. It will ALWAYS be there. I can NEVER get rid of it. Defeat takes hold and I begin to suffer from ingrown eyeballs.
Then I remember that everyone has one of these and I have to ask myself, "how do they cope with it"? Do they suffer or find joy in it? Maybe I'm the only one that when they rediscover they have this they are sad and ashamed. Maybe I'm the only one that doesn't like theirs. Maybe....
What is this thing that never leaves? Why do I allow it to haunt me? "I allow it"....hmmm. Maybe it doesn't have power over me. Maybe I do have control. Maybe, I am the one who gives it power? What is this thing? It is your past.
Will it control you or do you control it? How do you defeat it? There is only one way I've learned and that is to not let it into your present. Oh it will try to sneak in but you must quickly shut the door. It is not your past that determines your future but your present. And really, none of us are guaranteed a future so why worry about what is not here? No I think it is this moment that we are living in that we are most alive. This moment right now is the only one that really counts. What are you doing in this moment? Wasting it on the past?
Our past may have helped to shape us but it does not make us who we are now. I remember a time many years ago this incredible young man came into my life. A good man. An honest man. We fell in love and he asked me to marry him. I wanted that moment more than anything and when it came I hated it. This man didn't really know me. He didn't know who I was. He didn't know my past. I loved and respected him too much to lead into a marriage with someone he didn't know and so instead of saying "yes", I said "you don't really know me". I poured out my past to him and cried while I waiting for him to ask me to leave. He moved in closer to me, took my face into his hands and looked me right in the eyes. He said, "that person is not who is sitting here with me, I fell in love with you, all I see is this beautiful person right in front of me who I've just asked to marry me, who hasn't yet answered my question." That was about 30 years ago and the answer was yes.
A brief encounter that couldn't have lasted more than 10 minutes but it taught me a lesson that I continually learn over and over again. It is now, that counts. Not yesterday. I am who I am in this moment in time. The past no longer has power over me because I won't allow it. It doesn't own me, I own it. And because I own it, it only has the value over me that I decide to place on it. No, this thing called the past will not define who I am in this moment.
I am a child of God. Forgiven. Loved. In fact, He calls me His "beloved". Time is meaningless to God. It didn't even exist until He created it. God sees my whole life, from beginning to end and knows me better than I know myself. He places a high value on me. I don't deserve this favor but He grants it anyway. He is the potter, I am clay. Mold me and make me. This is what I pray.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for loving and molding me. All of me. Past, present, and God willing, future. AMEN
Isaiah 64:8
You, LORD, are our Father. We are nothing but clay, but you are the potter who molded us.
October 13, 2007
Remembering Baby R
Baby R came into this world and left us, completely unknown to the community and to the world, except for the very few who had a chance to see her. When I first met Baby R she was only 8 weeks old, safely tucked in her mother's womb. I watched on the monitor as the sonographer worked hard to find Baby R. Then suddenly, there she was. Just a tiny 'jelly bean' but distinctly baby. I thought, she is too small, we'll never really see much. But, before that thought finished we could see the flicker of Baby R's heart. The rhythm was strong and clear.
Silently I watched. Moving my gaze to Baby R's mother who was laying on the exam table. She laid there with both her arms placed firmly over her eyes so she could see nothing. When the Doppler was turned on, and the rhythm of Baby R's heart filled the room, you could tell that mom wanted to cover her ears; but to do that meant she would have to uncover her eyes and so she laid there motionless.
Baby R's mother knew that continuing the pregnancy meant great sacrifice. Young, frightened, alone and with no family in the area to be with her she is faced with a monumental decision. One that she feels completely inadequate to make. We went into an office and talked for a while. She was resigned to the fact that she felt ending the pregnancy was the only thing she could do, yet she still agreed to come back in one week.
It was a long week for me as I prayed for mom and for Baby R. Wishing something in their lives could be different and that there would be a miracle for them.
The next time I met Baby R she was 9 weeks old. This time mom did not cover her eyes. But her body language was one of defeat and resignation. Here eyes were void of emotion and she stared blankly during the ultrasound. Baby R had grown a lot in that one week. She was now bigger than a jelly bean and I could distinguish her head from her body. Tiny little leg buds and arm buds were clearly visible. The flicker of her heart stronger and brighter than the week before. Baby R had no idea of the difficulties her mother was facing and no idea that her life was in danger. I felt my heart pound harder as I looked at the monitor for the last time.
Mom and I again talked in another room after the ultrasound was over. We cried together and prayed together. Mom looked completely and utterly hopeless. Through her tears she said she wished there was another way. THERE IS, I wanted to shout but experience has taught me that she could not see it. Fear of what would happen if she allowed the pregnancy to continue was stronger than the instinct to protect her child.
Two days later mom called me and confirmed the news I had been expecting. The "procedure" was over, "it was done".
I am profoundly grieved.
Mom's voice cracked as she said "it was harder than I thought it would be", she asked "do you hate me now"? The question pierced my heart like a dagger. How could I possibly hate this beautiful young woman? God has bound my soul and my heart to hers. I grieve for her and for Baby R. She has a hard road to go down and I will continue to pray for her and be there for her should she need me. I wish she had made a different choice, but it was not my decision to make. We talked briefly for a while and I could hear in her voice that the pain killers she had taken were starting to make her tired. I told her to rest now. We hung up.
Silence filled my mind and seemed to echo in my apartment. My heart felt so heavy in my chest that I thought gravity might physically lower it. The grief was so deep that tears would not come. Baby R, I will always remember her and her mother. An innocent life, legally ended. A sweet young woman, scared and vulnerable, now carries memories she wishes were not there. When will we see the truth? When will we understand? God forgive us.
Silently I watched. Moving my gaze to Baby R's mother who was laying on the exam table. She laid there with both her arms placed firmly over her eyes so she could see nothing. When the Doppler was turned on, and the rhythm of Baby R's heart filled the room, you could tell that mom wanted to cover her ears; but to do that meant she would have to uncover her eyes and so she laid there motionless.
Baby R's mother knew that continuing the pregnancy meant great sacrifice. Young, frightened, alone and with no family in the area to be with her she is faced with a monumental decision. One that she feels completely inadequate to make. We went into an office and talked for a while. She was resigned to the fact that she felt ending the pregnancy was the only thing she could do, yet she still agreed to come back in one week.
It was a long week for me as I prayed for mom and for Baby R. Wishing something in their lives could be different and that there would be a miracle for them.
The next time I met Baby R she was 9 weeks old. This time mom did not cover her eyes. But her body language was one of defeat and resignation. Here eyes were void of emotion and she stared blankly during the ultrasound. Baby R had grown a lot in that one week. She was now bigger than a jelly bean and I could distinguish her head from her body. Tiny little leg buds and arm buds were clearly visible. The flicker of her heart stronger and brighter than the week before. Baby R had no idea of the difficulties her mother was facing and no idea that her life was in danger. I felt my heart pound harder as I looked at the monitor for the last time.
Mom and I again talked in another room after the ultrasound was over. We cried together and prayed together. Mom looked completely and utterly hopeless. Through her tears she said she wished there was another way. THERE IS, I wanted to shout but experience has taught me that she could not see it. Fear of what would happen if she allowed the pregnancy to continue was stronger than the instinct to protect her child.
Two days later mom called me and confirmed the news I had been expecting. The "procedure" was over, "it was done".
I am profoundly grieved.
Mom's voice cracked as she said "it was harder than I thought it would be", she asked "do you hate me now"? The question pierced my heart like a dagger. How could I possibly hate this beautiful young woman? God has bound my soul and my heart to hers. I grieve for her and for Baby R. She has a hard road to go down and I will continue to pray for her and be there for her should she need me. I wish she had made a different choice, but it was not my decision to make. We talked briefly for a while and I could hear in her voice that the pain killers she had taken were starting to make her tired. I told her to rest now. We hung up.
Silence filled my mind and seemed to echo in my apartment. My heart felt so heavy in my chest that I thought gravity might physically lower it. The grief was so deep that tears would not come. Baby R, I will always remember her and her mother. An innocent life, legally ended. A sweet young woman, scared and vulnerable, now carries memories she wishes were not there. When will we see the truth? When will we understand? God forgive us.
October 9, 2007
Walkless
I find it sad that I haven't blogged in a while. I guess it is because I haven't gone for a walk in a long time. Too busy. Sad.
I get so much great material when I walk. I have been too busy working long days and it is getting dark earlier now. Walking on the treadmill is not the same. No scenery to look at, no way to day dream. I spend all the time on the treadmill just thinking about the fact that I'm walking. I've tried TV watching and reading, or listening to music. None of it works. I still know I'm in a room, going no where and the scenery never changes. Boring. The only time that has worked is when my girlfriend would join me and we would talk. Those were great times but we haven't done that in a very long time.
That's all I got this time. Hope to blog again soon.
I get so much great material when I walk. I have been too busy working long days and it is getting dark earlier now. Walking on the treadmill is not the same. No scenery to look at, no way to day dream. I spend all the time on the treadmill just thinking about the fact that I'm walking. I've tried TV watching and reading, or listening to music. None of it works. I still know I'm in a room, going no where and the scenery never changes. Boring. The only time that has worked is when my girlfriend would join me and we would talk. Those were great times but we haven't done that in a very long time.
That's all I got this time. Hope to blog again soon.
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